1. I am afraid of losing those I love. Yes, it is inevitable that the people we love will one day leave us. Death is something that we cannot avoid, but I think my fear is deeper than just that. You see, in our religion, we believe that when married to your spouse in the right place and with the proper authority, families are sealed to one another forever. Because I have my own family now, and this is a goal Nick and I are working towards, I think my fear of losing someone comes down to the eternities. We all make our own choices, and I am so grateful for that agency, but the hard part is wondering how the choices we all make will affect the people with whom we have the potential to spend forever with. I want them all there. My husband, my children, my parents, my grandparents, my sibs, their spouses, and all their children. How grand would that be?
2. I am afraid of failing. Let's get something straight, I fail all the time. I make mistakes, I do the wrong thing, I SAY the wrong thing, and all those things are okay with me. I am afraid of failing at the big stuff. I am afraid to make the wrong choices for this family--and a large part of those choices fall on my head right now. I am afraid of failing my children, my husband, myself.
3. I am afraid to ask for help. Yep. This is really nothing new to people, but I honestly would rather sleep in my car than fill out this damn application for state financial help. There is a lot of pride there, and I know that. However, I am also afraid to pick up the phone and call someone to help me mow the lawn or clean my house or bring me a dinner. I just can't do it. Some of this fear goes back to the failing thing. When I occasionally get up the courage to ask for help, I honestly spend hours crying afterward. Not joking. I don't know how to change that.
I'll stop there. I think I have revealed enough, even though I could go on and on about drowning, plane crashes, and being buried alive. Those are just too obvious.
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1 comment:
I read a book once, I think it was by Herb Cohen, that stated you should compare all things to the fear of losing your loved ones. Everything else is minor compared to that. "I Care But Not That Much"
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