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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Yes, I'm Complaining a Little Bit...

Mostly because I just have to get this frustration out somewhere, and this seems to be the only way I can do it. I have tried to write down many of my feelings in my personal journal, and that has helped me deal with some anger that I have at the moment, BUT...I'm just exhausted. I was looking back at my posts from April and March and I had mentioned something about how we had been sick for two weeks. Just two. Only two. I was tired then. I couldn't fathom that we would still be fighting various illnesses six weeks later. Yeah, eight weeks of colds and infections and viruses and bacterial infections and runny noses and coughs and stomach bugs and I AM JUST READY FOR MY CHILDREN TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN. That's all.

Do you guys realize that I haven't been to see The Great Gatsby yet? Yep. That's right. I haven't been to see this movie yet. Me. There just hasn't been time. Or money. Or time.

I also haven't actually been able to complete an entire workout in about a month. I went from Insanity to nothing...not for lack of trying. Sick kids and working out do not mix. Still eating great. Still loving my Herbalife, but no working out. Yes, I have still managed to drop a few lbs, but think about what that could look like working out! I miss it. I need it. For my mental and physical well-being. 

So, yes. I needed to complain a little. I needed a little pity party for myself. Yes, I feel a little better. No, I am not on a downward spiral into darkness again. I'm just tired. Of pretending that everything is okay. Of worrying. Of scheming and making plans that never work! Of letting people down and not meeting my own expectations. I can admit it. I need a break. I need a Jen break. So stupid that that makes me feel guilty. I'm tired and I need a break from my reality, and I feel so utterly guilty about feeling that way or needing that. I shouldn't feel guilty. Everyone needs a break. A rest. A siesta. I'm just not sure I remember how to do that.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

To Be a Mother

I have been contemplating writing something in honor of Mother's Day since Saturday morning as we were rushing around trying to make it to meetings, and I know that this is my third Mother's Day, but this is the first time it sunk in that I am indeed a mom. Sounds crazy, right? Q is two and a half and T is almost ten months, and the fact that I am a mom and therefore responsible for all aspects of two little girls well-being, education, happiness, and welfare is just sinking in. Don't let that fool you. I work very hard to be the mom my girls need and deserve. Quite honestly, I feel absolutely inadequate to be their mom on almost a daily basis. T has been sick upon sick upon sick, and I hate that I am powerless to prevent that. Q has daily meltdowns because--well, she's two--and I hate that I have to take a deep breath and count to ten everytime. I found myself yelling at her last night for not listening when I repeatedly asked her not to jump on the laundry pile and make it a bigger mess. I stopped mid-sentence and looked at her WIDE and innocment eyes and thought, "Seriously?! What is wrong with me?" The laundry doesn't matter and she is more than happy to help me "fold" and make a neat pile. Those little things just really shouldn't matter.

What does matter is that we get to play outside and color the driveway with sidewalk chalk. We get to lay in the grass and pick up worms (ew!) and rake up the grass and swim and run through the sprinklers and lay on the floor or the couch and watch movies while eating popcorn. We get to color pictures and rearrange the magnets and throw toys all over the living room just to pick them up and do it all again. We get to play dress up and sing songs and go on walks and eat ice cream. We get to spend days reading and learning and falling and making mistakes and picking ourselves up to learn more and run faster and jump as high as we can. While my little girls are growing up, I am having a second childhood. I love being the mom. I love waking up to their faces everyday and kissing them goodnight. This is the job I was put on the Earth to fulfill. This is my calling. I am not always the best. I do not always do it right, but I wouldn't trade this for anything. Not anything.