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Sunday, October 13, 2013

Warrior Woman

My heart has been utterly overwhelmed today. I am restless and anxious as we head into a busy week without the answers to some pretty big questions that will greatly impact the tone and direction (literally) of my small family for the next 14 or so months. All jokes aside, working with government agencies is the most hard, most draining, most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life.

That aside, I have been reading this series of books lately that centers around a tight knit community. Like all tight knit communities, this one revolves around one person who keeps them all grounded. She holds everyone together with her open heart, her easily given love, and her warrior spirit that protects and defends so passionately. In the current book I am on, this character has met a foe she cannot defeat. It is one she does not entirely understand, and because of that, she fears--like anyone else does--she fears her unknown. Her five children do not fear. They see and understand this new addition to this community for the strong, interesting, different person that she is. Because sometimes our children are smarter than we are.

I find myself feeling empathy for and anger at this warrior woman. Probably because I, like many others, have stood in her shoes and where her children are standing as well. Mostly, though, I want to focus on the part of me that feels empathy. Not because I need to spew about things that I don't understand, but because I am so drawn to this character's need and drive to protect. I would blame the momma in me for sharing this trait, but the reality is, I have always been this way.

Right now, I feel a terrible and great need to protect those in my life who cannot protect themselves, partly because they cannot see the enemy, and partly because they are one and two. The real fear that lives in me is that I cannot protect them from what I fear may lie ahead--even if I saw it coming. It is keeping me up. For hours. I know that I will not always be able to protect my children from the hurt and evils of this world. I am praying that MY fear of what could POSSIBLY be in the cards for our future is wrong. Very wrong. It's just that I haven't been wrong yet. And I'm not even proud of that.

I just hope that when PHASE 2 of what has been a very long two years ends next weekend, that Nick will be able to come home to a home where the girls and I reside--and not a home where the girls and I don't. They need their dad, and I need to feel safe again. My heart has been walking around outside my body for too long. It is killing me, and I need it to stop.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Color Me Rad--My First 5K

In July, my sister, Holly, and I decided that we should run a 5K together in September. She works for a company that provides products for various races and events and companies, and she knew that there was a Color Me Rad race close to her around the end of September. This was perfect timing for my girlies and me to pack up and drive a state over to visit--as another sister who also lives in the vicinity was due to have a baby at that time.

So, I downloaded the Couch to 5K (C25K) app that is available for your smart phone, and I told myself we would make a runner out of me yet! Holly and I (and then our sis-in-law, Kara) would text one another after completing a run in order to stay motivated and be held accountable.

Here is the thing. Running stinks! It is awful. It hurts. It makes me want to die or at least hide under my bed for a few hours in the fetal position after doing it. Not kidding. Blech! But, I had committed, so I figured it was time to put on my big girl pants and POWER THROUGH!

I did. I ran at the gym, on the treadmill, almost every other day for eight weeks. I actually didn't complete the entire training app before our race, and I think that I am going to start over and work on my speed a little while trying to make it through again.

Race weekend came closer and closer, and even as Holly and I were pulling into the parking lot across the street from the start/finish line, I was thinking I was crazy.

No. We didn't run the whole way. First, running outside is WAY harder than running on a treadmill watching New Girl to distract me. Second, it was fairly chilly when we started, and did you know that running in the cold shrivels your lungs into hard packed snowballs and you actually feel as if you are trying to cough up a hairball--a cold, dry, prickly hairball? Third, WHO PLANS A RACE UPHILL?!

So we walked some and jogged some and because it is the Color Me Rad race and really just for fun, we had just that. Fun! Despite my disdain for the sport of running, I am learning some things. Like focus. Perseverance. And, I am making up all kinds of fun and interesting curse words in my head to fight through the torture and pain! Bring on the next one!