Warrior Woman

My heart has been utterly overwhelmed today. I am restless and anxious as we head into a busy week without the answers to some pretty big questions that will greatly impact the tone and direction (literally) of my small family for the next 14 or so months. All jokes aside, working with government agencies is the most hard, most draining, most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life.

That aside, I have been reading this series of books lately that centers around a tight knit community. Like all tight knit communities, this one revolves around one person who keeps them all grounded. She holds everyone together with her open heart, her easily given love, and her warrior spirit that protects and defends so passionately. In the current book I am on, this character has met a foe she cannot defeat. It is one she does not entirely understand, and because of that, she fears--like anyone else does--she fears her unknown. Her five children do not fear. They see and understand this new addition to this community for the strong, interesting, different person that she is. Because sometimes our children are smarter than we are.

I find myself feeling empathy for and anger at this warrior woman. Probably because I, like many others, have stood in her shoes and where her children are standing as well. Mostly, though, I want to focus on the part of me that feels empathy. Not because I need to spew about things that I don't understand, but because I am so drawn to this character's need and drive to protect. I would blame the momma in me for sharing this trait, but the reality is, I have always been this way.

Right now, I feel a terrible and great need to protect those in my life who cannot protect themselves, partly because they cannot see the enemy, and partly because they are one and two. The real fear that lives in me is that I cannot protect them from what I fear may lie ahead--even if I saw it coming. It is keeping me up. For hours. I know that I will not always be able to protect my children from the hurt and evils of this world. I am praying that MY fear of what could POSSIBLY be in the cards for our future is wrong. Very wrong. It's just that I haven't been wrong yet. And I'm not even proud of that.

I just hope that when PHASE 2 of what has been a very long two years ends next weekend, that Nick will be able to come home to a home where the girls and I reside--and not a home where the girls and I don't. They need their dad, and I need to feel safe again. My heart has been walking around outside my body for too long. It is killing me, and I need it to stop.