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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Slow and Steady...weight loss

As much as I would love to see lbs just fall off my body, I know that isn't going to happen. So, we are down this week. Not by a huge number, but I lost 1.4 lbs this past week. Now that I get to work out a little more vigorously, I hope to see at least two more this week! The family is starting what has become a yearly Biggest Loser event on September 1st, and to all my sibs and my dad: BRING IT! I am one motivated momma!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Humble Pie

Well, I think I am being force fed some humble pie right now. Somehow I have to figure out how to let go of the anger, resentment, and frustration I am feeling towards...well, it doesn't matter who it is, does it? What does matter is that I need some help figuring out how to control/release what I am feeling right now. This isn't help that is going to come from this world. I know that. I just need the answer to be crystal clear. I need to know what it is that I need to do to change my attitude. It is the only one I have control over, afterall. Although, I often feel as if I have little control over that right now either.
I am happy that I can start working out harder this week. I think focusing on that will help. If anyone wants to come sit with my girlies for an hour so I can actually hit up the gym, let me know! I will let you. :-) I am going to pack the girls up and head over the mountains to visit my parents this coming weekend. I need to get away for a little bit. I hope to drive up the Mesa and sit for a while--and probably cry. I think I need a good cry. You know the kind, whole body, barely breathing, cry until you are dry kind of cry. Problem is, after that kind of cry, I always want a nap. I don't have time for a nap.
Today I need a reason to keep going...okay, that's a bit dramatic, but I am drama. At least I know it and can admit it.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

These were the best of times; these were the worst of times

Best of times:
1. Tessa--a healthy baby; made it to term; she's so beautiful and so mellow.
2. Summer of Aunt Kelli--having my sister here all summer to keep me company and help with Q and T made a huge difference.
3. P/T work--which hasn't started yet, but I still do have a job that will allow me to work from home.
4. Mom/Grandma--having my mom here for what worked out to be about a month (total for the summer) was a huge blessing.
5. Nick's family--who love my girls and keep us afloat
6. June "Powderhorn"--a weekend with the whole family. Usually this takes place over Labor Day Weekend, but with the babies all coming around this time, we moved the outing to June. It was amazing to have everyone in Denver for the weekend.

Worst of times:
Let me just say this: we have spent this year so far on the biggest roller coaster. Nick is still not home. (December, maybe.) I am tired, and the ride isn't even close to being over. I am frustrated. I am grumpy. I know this, and I know that I am taking this out on the people who are trying to help. I don't accept help well. I don't know how to let people help me with this. I know that others would deal with the challenges that face me very differently, but I only know how to fight through. I know that I need to try and keep this family together. I know that it is really hard. I know that I am stuck in crappy circumstances that I don't know how to control--that I can't control. I am in a place where I am being forced to let people help me, and I feel as if I am being judged at the same time that people are helping...not because I am for real, I just feel that way. My one else's. I know that everyone believes that I am SO strong...spend a day in my head. Spend an hour there and you might think differently. We do what we have to do to survive. I am doing my best to survive. So, if I look worn out. I am. If I look frustrated. I am. If I am short with you. I'm sorry. I am doing my best.  

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Putting It Out There: Weight Loss

Let's paint the picture. I am a nursing mom, and since the baby snacked and fell asleep (again), I am currently sitting on the living room floor attached to the breast pump. When I had Quincy and could only pump, a nurse saved my life and told me to get a pump bra. The link isn't the one I own, but this wonderful product SAVED me! It is so nice to have your hands available to blog, or update Facebook, or read Q a book, or even hold the baby sometimes. :-) You know, all those important things we do.
Anyway, I have these genius ideas when I am attached to this thing, and I was thinking about Oprah (of all people) and a show I saw her do about putting your goals out there in the universe. Tell someone about what you are trying to accomplish, and then you are more motivated to accomplish it. Now, I am a big girl. That's no secret. Always have been. I have body issues like every girl does, and I have spent a good majority of my adult life working out and stopping and training with a trainer and stopping and losing and gaining weight. Don't get me wrong, I like me. I'm not a bad looking lady, and my hottie of a hubby sure does love me, but I am determined to get healthy and lose some of this flab along the way. So, even though this actually kills me to admit, I am going to post weekly about the struggles, the successes, and the drama of becoming a healthy momma--and this will include my weekly weigh-in's. SIGH! Don't judge.
I should finally be able to start really working out again this week after T's birth, and my whole body is in need of it. Don't get me wrong. This is going to be a challenge. Starting over again is always hard, but I do know how I feel when I work out on a regular basis. Plus I will be able to work out with some amazing ladies next week and every Tuesday for a while in a place where I feel comfortable and safe and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I can bring the babies!

So, while this was taken when I was barely pregnant with T, this is what I look like when I weigh this much...

And that weight is 235...yes, yes. It makes me cry too. My goal for next Tues is 232. Hold me to it people. I am tired of being this girl.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Hobbes (January 14, 2000-August 4, 2012)

As I type in the dates for the title of this blog post, I cannot really believe that our old man is gone. My dad had to make the tough decision to let him go this morning. Look at that face! Hobbes was the sweetest dog, and he did a lot to heal hearts and keep people sane without really doing anything except being the loyal, faithful, loving companion that he just was!
Hobbes came into our family during the Spring Break of my sophomore year in college. I spent that time trying to heal a broken heart in Florida while visiting my uncle. It was a much needed trip. I came home and there was a new puppy there! He was such a sweet baby then, and he never lost that innocent puppiness! I snuggled him, and right then and there, my heart began to heal. I made some pretty serious decisions about my own future shortly after that, and I needed that unconditional Hobbes love to help me on my way. He will always be our special boy, and we will all miss him! Lisa shared this cartoon earlier today, and it is just so fitting. For those of you unfamiliar with Calvin and Hobbes, this is the very last one that Bill Waterson wrote. Fitting for the occasion. We love you, old man! I am so thankful you are in a place where you cannot feel pain, and I look forward to the love and the happy Chewbaca noises when I see you again.