Time Spent with My Love

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Friday, May 30, 2008

What to believe?

There are so many people who have theories as to why this is happening. He is stressed, he is scared, he is confused, he is an idiot. I am tired of theories. I just want some truth. I need to know how he is feeling, and what is bothering him, why he is able to live a normal existence while I suffer, and why he can't talk to me about it. I only hope that he has a friend that he can talk to. Everyone needs a friend to be non-judgemental and tell you like it is. I don't know if he has anyone like that. I am lucky to have a lot of people like that, people who will tell me like it is whether I want them to or not.
Okay, really it is not like that. I am actually grateful that I have all the people I do. I just wish there was another way to tell them all the story once and have all the bitching and complaining and advice giving done with. Why am I the one who needs the advice anyway? Where is his advice? Oh, wait! I am getting that too!!!!!
I hate that this is all I have to consume me right now, and no amount of drinking or crying or baby-holding is going to change that. I pierced my nose today, and all I could think about was him--through the pain! Either I am too passionate or really pathetic. Let's go for too passionate.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I had a major one last night, and finally it was directed at the right person. I had to call and cancel the rental truck and that set it all off! I lost it on him when he called then. I bawled into the receiver and just didn't say much. All he had to say was that he is sorry he is hurting me. Really, mister?! Then stop it!
I think that he has a mild fear of commitment. He thinks with everything other than his heart and his head, and he wants all the things he can't have. Maybe I am just angry right now. I am super hurt today. I have been super hurt since the beginning of this, but I can't handle being so strong anymore. In fact, I don't want to be strong anymore. I want someone else to do that for me.
I have never actually said those words before...I want someone else to be strong for me. Are there any volunteers?

Monday, May 26, 2008


Today, this is what I am feeling. Not sad or angry...just simply heartbroken. I have had nothing to do but dwell on him today. It is as if I don't even exist in his world because I am sure he is not dwelling on me. I hate distance.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

So lost

I have a unique family relationship in that we all get along famously. I am lucky, I know, and I would never change this. However, my relationship with my father is such that the man knows what I am thinking before I do. He thinks out loud for me and knows all the right questions to ask in order to make me think...a lot...and hard. So, being that it is Memorial Day weekend, I am hanging with the fam, and I knew that my dad would corner me eventually and want to talk about all this. How right I was!
My sister and I just got here today, and he already has me lost and thinking about my situation too much. Usually when I am able to talk with my dad, I am able to come to some kind of conclusion--whether it is the conclusion I want or not. This is not the case today. We talked. He asked questions. I answered questions. I thought out loud. He shared his opinion. I listened. And I got nothin'!
Does this just mean that this is going to be the nature of this situation? I am going to be lost and confused and left hanging until the boy makes up his mind as to whether he really wants me or not? Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop? Am I weak? Strong? Stupid? Or playing smart? And again, why is this happening? I guess if I had the answer to that question, I wouldn't be suffering like I am.
Sigh! Still love him though.

Friday, May 23, 2008


Why is it that when you are down, everyone thinks that they need to fix you? I have received more random--sometimes good, sometimes stupid--advice from EVERYONE! Really, people?! I know that you all love me. I know that you all want what is best for me. I know that you all believe that my judgement is clouded because I am hurting. Maybe it is, but how can you really tell me what to do when you have no inside look as to what I am feeling and thinking?
Honestly, I have the best support system any person could ask for. My family is amazing! I can talk and cry to my sisters and they cry right along with me. I have awesome colleagues that will be here for me even when I am not here anymore. I have friends who never want to see me left alone, and since I am staying with my aunt and uncle temporarily, I have their support at home.
However, they cannot stop this from being a terrible day, and it already is. My last day at the job I love and gave up to move to Texas. My last day with anything to keep me occupied at all. Now I will have hours upon hours to dwell on what should be and is not. Hours and hours to not get out of bed. Hours and hours to cry. I expected to have hours and hours to get packed; hours and hours to say good-bye to friends; hours and hours to spend with my parents picking up my dog.
You know, I should be able to say this to him. I should be able to tell him what I am feeling, but he is so wrapped up in what he is feeling and what he wants that I am thinking that I mean nothing to him today. Nothing at all! That is something I don't deserve, and something I should not have to put up with. So...why am I?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Never again!

I am never going to fall in love again. I will not--I cannot--do this to myself anymore. Love is the greatest thing and love is the worst thing. Love builds you up and tears you down. It is beautiful and terrible in the same five minutes. Those we love the most, we also hate the most. So, why does anyone fall in love? It is a guarateed heartache.
I am in love. I am also in a great amount of pain. Not actual physical pain like a broken toe, but the kind of emotional pain that turns into physical pain when every breath hurts; when the blood in my veins burns the inside of my body because it is being pumped through an empty, broken vessel; when water is the only thing I can swallow and only because I am dehydrated from crying so hard.
He did this to me. There was no fight, no break-down of communication, no unresolvable issues, no lack of love. He simply freaked out and turned his head. He looked so far away that he found his way into someone else's arms. He found some kind of solace in not being with me. He thinks he has feelings for her, but he loves me too. He can't give me what I need. He can't take me away from my family and friends. He is full of shit.
I fell for him hard and fast. Why wouldn't I? He offered me everything I always wanted--an open, honest relationship; a best friend; a fantastic sex life; a chance to grow. He bragged about my accomplishments--my job, my Master's degree, my work ethic--more than I did. I believed I was a goddess in his eyes!
He used to tell me that I was the perfect combination of sweet and seductive. He was so excited to take me home to Mom and equally excited to take me to bed. We laughed together, cried together, talked together, and sang--loud and in the car--together. He made this big, awkward girl feel sensuous and sexy. He loved me with his body, mind, heart and soul. Well, he let me believe that anyway.
I honestly still believe that he loves me. I can't imagine that he didn't or doesn't even now. I just think that he--well, I have no idea what he was thinking. Mostly, he wasn't.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Why am I doing this?

I need an outlet. I need an outlet where I can share my feelings with the world regarding my anger, my resentment, my struggle in overcoming the obstacles I am facing. I guarantee that I will sound like a crazy person. I will sound pathetic and sad. I will be angry, crazy, hurtful, and resentful. I promise that I will do my best not to trash talk too much, but I will be brutally honest in my feelings about and for the people involved. I will also not be using names.