Never again!

I am never going to fall in love again. I will not--I cannot--do this to myself anymore. Love is the greatest thing and love is the worst thing. Love builds you up and tears you down. It is beautiful and terrible in the same five minutes. Those we love the most, we also hate the most. So, why does anyone fall in love? It is a guarateed heartache.
I am in love. I am also in a great amount of pain. Not actual physical pain like a broken toe, but the kind of emotional pain that turns into physical pain when every breath hurts; when the blood in my veins burns the inside of my body because it is being pumped through an empty, broken vessel; when water is the only thing I can swallow and only because I am dehydrated from crying so hard.
He did this to me. There was no fight, no break-down of communication, no unresolvable issues, no lack of love. He simply freaked out and turned his head. He looked so far away that he found his way into someone else's arms. He found some kind of solace in not being with me. He thinks he has feelings for her, but he loves me too. He can't give me what I need. He can't take me away from my family and friends. He is full of shit.
I fell for him hard and fast. Why wouldn't I? He offered me everything I always wanted--an open, honest relationship; a best friend; a fantastic sex life; a chance to grow. He bragged about my accomplishments--my job, my Master's degree, my work ethic--more than I did. I believed I was a goddess in his eyes!
He used to tell me that I was the perfect combination of sweet and seductive. He was so excited to take me home to Mom and equally excited to take me to bed. We laughed together, cried together, talked together, and sang--loud and in the car--together. He made this big, awkward girl feel sensuous and sexy. He loved me with his body, mind, heart and soul. Well, he let me believe that anyway.
I honestly still believe that he loves me. I can't imagine that he didn't or doesn't even now. I just think that he--well, I have no idea what he was thinking. Mostly, he wasn't.