Heartaches

Sometimes I don't think. I know that there are things that I have to work on in this life, and thinking before I do things and say things that hurt the people I love the most. I just feel terrible when I unwittingly open my mouth and things come out that are hurtful--even when I don't mean for them to be. It makes my heart hurt. I need to work on it. New Year's Resolution number one!

Weekends

The time drags. I have nothing to really do and too much time to think. I am going to go nuts before January is over with. Is it terrible that I am not looking forward to Christmas nearly as much as I am looking forward to December 30th and being in Texas? This has nothing to do with the family! I am really excited to spend some good, quality time with my parents and siblings. I just need to see Nick and make sure he is okay. I am so over this being apart stuff. Is it the summer time yet? I am ready for that! Very, very ready...

Good Talk

Poor, Nick! He had big plans to talk to me for twenty minutes last night and then go to sleep by nine. I actually do not feel sorry for him, and he really doesn't either. We talked and talked and talked for two hours before going to sleep last night and neither one of us really wanted to stop. I am pretty sure we could have talked until the wee small hours of the morning! We talked about lots of things like,
A. What life will be like when we are together
B. Jealousies
C. Goals for us as a couple
D. Goals for us as individuals
E. Marriage
F. Kids
G. Traditions
H. Friendship
I. Expectations
J. An explosion of feelings that one of us has been bottling up for the past seven months--that would be me.

I was able to say some things to him last night that I have not been able to say because I was scared or he wasn't ready to hear them. All my frustrations, my anger, my hurt came tumbling out in a 45-minute tirade. He listened and consoled and apologized and expressed his love and devotion to me now. I needed that so much. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and a cloud is really beginning to clear from the sunshiny place that our relationship used to be. It is headed there again! We have some work to do, but it is being done. We are going to be just fine. I am pretty happy with life and him right now. This relationship stuff is really hard, but I am glad that I was stubborn enough to stick around. He is great. We are great. I pray that we will continue to be in this good place and happy together. You have got to love that!

White Christmas

I love the snow! Even though it was snow that caused my 10 1/2 hour drive home from Montrose, I LOVE IT! It snowed here last night, and I am in such a good mood this morning! I sang "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" all the way in to work this morning. It was fantastic! The pictures I am posting are not of today, but from the Blizzard in 2006 when I was snowed into the house for a good three days! I love looking at these pictures, and I am still proud of the fact that I dug myself out of the house--all by myself! It was five hours of work and three days of soreness after that! The snow is a beautiful and terrible thing. Enjoy the memory!

This is the walkway leading to the front door of the house. I had to get out of the house through the garage! I couldn't open the front door. It was snow packed.

Here is the front of the house! Joey spent the morning running through the snow with me! She loves it! As I shoveled, she chased the flying snow through the air and slept the entire rest of the day. She is a silly puppy! I miss her.

Thanksgiving

I am very thankful for a lot of things. I am thankful for all my friends. I am thankful for the chance to be here longer and to spend more time with those I love. I am thankful for the most wonderful family ever! I am thankful for the boy who really does love me. I am thankful for the chance I have to be here everyday, to learn, to love and to live. So cheesy, I know! This is very general, but my heart is so full that I can't even focus on it all!

And now...

The sentence has been made. Now maybe life can move on. It sounds like we will get married next year. I have a lot to plan and even more to think about.

Two Days Later

He says that I am not going to lose him, and there is a large part of me that honestly believes that. Then there is that small part of me that is completely terrified that when he is feeling fine again, he will think that he doesn't need me.
Holly (and a few others) have asked me what it is that he has given up for me when I have obviously sacrificed so much for him. I wonder the same thing sometimes. I guess it is unfair to say that...he never really asked me to give up a lot. I just naturally did. That is partially my own fault. I am where I am because I have made the choice to be here. I am well aware of that fact.
How many times did someone say to me, "Go to Texas anyway?" PLENTY. How many times did I chicken out because I can't do it without him? TOO MANY. At this point, I know that there is nothing that I cannot do on my own. I know, I know...I was supposed to be such an independant girl. I would say that I am, but I bet that there are those who would laugh at me right now. The thing is, I can live my life and make decisions without him and his input. We were just in a place where we had started talking to each other about EVERYTHING! We were figuring things out together and making decisions together. Big decisions. He was my sounding board--he still is my sounding board. That is how it should be, and I just hope and pray that it stays that way.

Tell me...

Just tell me that you are crazy to even think for a minute that you could live without me. Tell me that you just got scared and that you love me. Tell me that I am as important to you as you are to me. Tell me that you never really want to leave me. Tell me that even though it is going to be hard and we may struggle that this--that WE--are what you want out of your life. I am offering you my everything; I have already given it to you.
I know what it is that I want out of life. I feel as if I have made a lifetime commitment to you already. I hate to bring this up, but why do you freak like this just inside of ten days of your major court dates? I knew what your life was when I made this choice to be with you. I do not judge…it is not my job. It makes me sad to think that you don’t seem to love yourself enough to want things that are good for you. It makes me wonder if I am really good for you or not. You keep saying that I am, but everything else you do screams that you do not really believe that.
I never want to be second best or someone that you settle for. I know that I am not settling for you. You are perfect for me with all your imperfections and issues included. If settling is what you would be doing, then don’t marry me. Don’t have babies with me. Don’t live in a house with me. If, however, you are not settling by making that commitment to me, then stop this. Thank the good Lord that he sent you someone so wonderful. Let go of all the things holding you back and look to the future.
You are my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you. I love you.

Tomorrow!

I do love the anticipation that builds when Nick is coming to visit. Tomorrow is Halloween, my sister-in-law's birthday, and the day Nick gets here! I am anxiously awaiting his arrival! This is going to be a blissful weekend.

We talk so much about how great it will be when we actually live in the same place and will be able to see each other all the time. I can only hope that when we are in the same place, we will be as happy as we anticipate being. I do not wear rose colored glasses all the time. I know that bliss is something each person has to work for. I am scared sometimes that things may not be as perfect as they are in my head, but I also know that they can be so much better! I am crazy about him, he is crazy about me, and we are both just a little crazy!

For now though, I suppose I should just wait for tomorrow and enjoy the now! I am working on enjoying the now, since it is the only guarantee I have.

The Family...

I am experiencing the interesting things that happen when there is a blending and combining of families. You know, Nick's family has always loved me. In fact, his mom loved me before she even met me. I am pretty sure that the reason for that is that Nick's other girlfriends were just not fantastic like I am, but then again...who is?! :)

I bring this up because, for the first time ever yesterday, I was included in a family email from Nick's dad. Don't get me wrong, I have emailed back and forth with both of his parents for a while now, but it was fun to see my name next to Nick's and his grandparents and and I think, his uncle's--as if that is an unofficial signal that I am in! Yeah!

On the other side, his mom and step-dad are coming down from Casper this weekend to spend the day with us. Nick will be here (his birthday is Sunday), so Mom decided that she wanted to come and see us. She sends me emails sharing her excitement at coming to see us, and she likes to emphasize that she is excited to see BOTH of us. I like it. It is nice to have the love and support of his family...even if Nick does say that they love me more.

The other nice thing is that Nick and my family get along so well. I mean, how could you not get along with my family? Still...I like to see them together. Like in this picture. This was after the Munchkin's play in September. There is Kelli, Adam, Nick, Stef, Kara, Chris, and Daniel who are not related, but are family none-the-less. We had a great time with them all!

Then there is this picture from that same weekend. It is such a cute picture of Nick and Kelli. We took it at Holly and Eric's family reception in Grand Junction.

So, for now, I am in family bliss. Mine is wonderful as always, and his gets better and better as I get to know them more and more. Thank goodness for that!

Work Stuff

I have been silly to think that I am actually doing something good here. All that really seems to be happening is that I am putting too much effort into things that aren't really going to happen, and that is a bad thing. I am making--not really enemies--but I am not a loved person. I will just have to do my very best to not stir the pot anymore. Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just put in my year and move on, but that just isn't me. Although, maybe it should be.

Romance

There really isn't enough of it in this world. I am one of those hopeless romantic types. I am also one who doesn't get it in her life very often. That is, until recently. It is amazing to me how my idea of romance has changed. I once accused Nick of not being romantic, but in reality, he is romantic in such a subtle and sweet way. It is the things he says and the ways in which he says them. It is how he hugs me with his T-Rex arms. It is the fierce kisses on my forehead and the quick squeezes in public. He's just cute, and I like him!

High School Drama

It never quite goes away, does it? I am sure that people have looked at me from time to time and thought, "I wonder if she knows that she is acting like a high school student?" Well, I hang out with them all day, so that is kind of a given. (Not really.) However, I am talking about the kind of high school drama that is so he-said, she-said. The kind of drama that involves cheap shots, nasty rumors, and hurtful words thrown at each other on blogs or emails or myspace or facebook. Since we have embraced those things in our society, have we condemned ourselves to be enternally stuck in high school? This is a thought I have been having since someone is apparently spying on me from another person's facebook account--actually not spying on me, but on my boyfriend. I have one thing to say to all the ex's of the world out there. There is a reason you are an ex! Move on and be happy that they have done the same.

Oh, Honey...

I hear this all the time from him. He says, "Oh, honey" when I am driving him nuts, "Oh, honey" when he is laughing at me, "Oh, honey" when I am upset, and "Oh, honey" when he is upset. It makes me laugh. It is his catch phrase, and I love it. I don't think I have ever had a boyfriend who calls me honey, and when he did the first time it took everything I had not to laugh at him. I love it now though--even when he says it out of pure frustration or exasperation! Oh, honey!

(He is actually blowing me a kiss in this picture.)

My Hero...

This is so obviously tongue in cheek, but really, Nick is my defender. After a horrible work day on Friday where I was called some unpleasant names by a student, I called him to tell him about it. He was angrier than me, and said all the right things and made me feel all the right things. He has always been great when it comes to this. He is my protector and my safe zone. He comforts me and makes me feel as if the world will be okay. Thank goodness I have him.

Good times

Well, they are! I only hope and pray that they stay that way. There is a lot coming up and a lot to think about in the next few months, but for now, at least, we are happy and content. I am mostly okay with still being in Colorado, but it will not be long before I will need to start thinking about the road ahead. I do feel as if I am living in some kind of limbo land. Only here, I am actually being productive and getting things done and learning--which is the most important thing. I look back at the things I wrote before, and I am sometimes grateful for the experience I have had to remember that I am a strong person and that I can handle things. I am sorry to those of you who had to worry about me. I hate to have people worried about me, but it is good to know that I am so loved.

I seriously thought about deleting this blog, but I am now thinking that it will be a way for me to really document this year of change, this year of growth, this year of happiness. Okay, I am being cheesy and no, Holly, I am not always happy. I am, however, working on it. I am better and better every week. I am glad that Nick is still a part of my life despite the utter hell I lived through over the summer. Things are different between us, but they are not a bad different. We are more open with each other. We have become better friends. We learned to fight, and we learned to forgive, to forget, and to move on. This is a lesson many of us could use!

The picture is one of my new favorites of us. I know that my family members are all rolling their eyes right now, but it is okay! This is the only way I get to look at him for now. :-)

Where we are now

Together and happy, I think. I am unsure these days again, but it is me this time. I am scared and unsure about things at the moment, and I am unsure how to deal with that. In my head I am blaming him for my insecurities and questions, but I honestly have no one to blame but myself. I am going crazy right now. I want things to be clear. I want to be in a place where we can move forward. It is coming and I know that. I think I will feel better then.

Long time

It has been a long time since my last post, and I feel as if I am twelve and I need to update my diary as to what has been happening in my life since the last post.

Here I am...still in Colorado and not happy about it. However, I have a job and a place to live and a boyfriend (yes, still) who is in Texas and isn't ready for me to be there yet. Ouch--it still hurts to write that one. However, we are better than we have been in a while. Although, I hesitate to write that because everytime I feel as if we are better, something happens and we are not great again. He even said that he thinks that we are better, but we are not where we were five months ago. It remains to be seen if we will ever be there again.

This fact makes me sad, but what am I supposed to do. I am patient, but not always. I am kind, but not always. I am understanding, but not always. This is actually better. I don't hold back anymore and neither does he. When we are bothered by something, we say it. When we are angry or hurt, we say it. If we are looking for silver linings in this whole mess, I guess that is one of them. We have become better communicators. SIGH! I will take what I can get at this point.

The Mental Workout

I know that you all think I am crazy, but we are still together. We are still talking. We are working things out. Things are better...not great, but better. There is still too much there to just give up on.

Yes, I know I am being stereotypical. Yes, I know I am setting myself up for hell. I just don't know if there is a hell worse than what we have been through already. (Okay, I know there could be, but I am trying to stay optimistic today.) I know that there are many, many issues we have yet to work out. I know that he has to build trust back up. I know that for awhile I will still have these horrible dreams about him with another girl in his life--in any capacity. I also know that there is a lot of good there!

Be mad, be angry, yell and scream at me. It is fine. Mostly, I just want people to understand that I know I am making this choice, and I am prepared (I think) to live with the consequences--good or bad.

Waiting...

He doesn't know that I know. There is a message waiting for him on his cellphone when he decides to return to the real world. I hope he sweats A LOT!

Shame on me!

You know the saying, "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." Well, guess what?! I have been a fool. I have been blinded by my own desires. I have been sitting here knowing that something is going on, and I have worked very hard to convince myself that this is not happening. Oh, what a silly, silly little girl I have been!
Something very real is going on...he is a big, fat liar and a cheater. That is what has been going on. No more excuses for him. No more reasons for me to pretend this might be fixable. And where is he while I am agonizing and crying like a stupid girl. On a weekend getaway with a friend. I wish I could believe that.
So, to those of you who have stood by my side while secretly wishing I would just walk away from this, you will get your wish. To those of you who have been particularly vocal about the kind of person you think he is, you were apparently right. To those of you who want to smack me for being so nice, go ahead. It can't hurt more than this does.
That is the worst part...I am in actual physical pain right now. My chest hurts, my head is throbbing, my muscles are tight and tense, and I am having trouble breathing. And, all I can think STILL is, why is this happening?!

I love you

Why do we say this to one another when it is not how we are atually feeling. I was told yesterday that I love him more than he loves me and that worries him because he doesn't feel as if he deserves love from me at all. I know...to the outside observer, he does not. I have heard it over and over and over again. He doesn't deserve me...not that any other person can make that decision--not even him. Guess what, people?! The man that I know and love does, in fact, deserve this fantastic girl. The man who he is being right now, does not.

Here we are AGAIN! In this place where I am questioning if it is worth it to stick around? That has been happening a lot these past few days. The conclusion is always the same. I am not going anywhere. I am here for the duration...of what? I am not really sure, but TA-DA! Here I am!

I have spent the past few days in the company of my best friend, her husband, and her sons. They are this picture of what I totally expect marriage to be. Not perfect. Not always clean. Not always happy. It is challenging and messy and exciting and boring and crazy and fun...all in the same day. Where, oh where, have I gone wrong in thinking that I could have had this? Maybe I can't.

In keeping with the craziness that is my life: I also interviewed for a job in Texas. Why? Well, I need a job and they called. I am putting a lot of faith in the idea that this will work out like it should, and I will end up where I should--with or without him.

Some days are better than others

You know, it is amazing to me how I let how he is feeling today control how I am feeling today. When did I hit the point to where I am not my own person anymore? I do get better and stronger every day, but there are still those days when he is struggling with the things happening in his life that I struggle with us. I know that this happens because when he is so overwhelmed by work and all the other BS happening in his life, that is when I matter least.
I like to think that if I was there, this would be different. That is we had stuck to the plan, I would be there to help him through, and I would be fine. In reality, I know that he doesn't want me there because he doesn't want me to try and help him deal. He feels as if his burden is his own to bear. This is something that I can completely understand. Perhaps this is where the oldest child thing we have in common comes in to play. I can't handle letting people down, and I know he feels the same way.
However, today and yesterday have been better than the few days before and those days were better than the days before as well. I sometimes feel a little sad that my heart is healing like it is. That I am handling this, not better than expected, but different than expected. Perhaps I am growing from this life experience more than I thought I would. I only pray that I am not the only one experiencing that change.

What to believe?

There are so many people who have theories as to why this is happening. He is stressed, he is scared, he is confused, he is an idiot. I am tired of theories. I just want some truth. I need to know how he is feeling, and what is bothering him, why he is able to live a normal existence while I suffer, and why he can't talk to me about it. I only hope that he has a friend that he can talk to. Everyone needs a friend to be non-judgemental and tell you like it is. I don't know if he has anyone like that. I am lucky to have a lot of people like that, people who will tell me like it is whether I want them to or not.
Okay, really it is not like that. I am actually grateful that I have all the people I do. I just wish there was another way to tell them all the story once and have all the bitching and complaining and advice giving done with. Why am I the one who needs the advice anyway? Where is his advice? Oh, wait! I am getting that too!!!!!
I hate that this is all I have to consume me right now, and no amount of drinking or crying or baby-holding is going to change that. I pierced my nose today, and all I could think about was him--through the pain! Either I am too passionate or really pathetic. Let's go for too passionate.

Breakdown

I had a major one last night, and finally it was directed at the right person. I had to call and cancel the rental truck and that set it all off! I lost it on him when he called then. I bawled into the receiver and just didn't say much. All he had to say was that he is sorry he is hurting me. Really, mister?! Then stop it!
I think that he has a mild fear of commitment. He thinks with everything other than his heart and his head, and he wants all the things he can't have. Maybe I am just angry right now. I am super hurt today. I have been super hurt since the beginning of this, but I can't handle being so strong anymore. In fact, I don't want to be strong anymore. I want someone else to do that for me.
I have never actually said those words before...I want someone else to be strong for me. Are there any volunteers?

Heartbroken

Today, this is what I am feeling. Not sad or angry...just simply heartbroken. I have had nothing to do but dwell on him today. It is as if I don't even exist in his world because I am sure he is not dwelling on me. I hate distance.

So lost

I have a unique family relationship in that we all get along famously. I am lucky, I know, and I would never change this. However, my relationship with my father is such that the man knows what I am thinking before I do. He thinks out loud for me and knows all the right questions to ask in order to make me think...a lot...and hard. So, being that it is Memorial Day weekend, I am hanging with the fam, and I knew that my dad would corner me eventually and want to talk about all this. How right I was!
My sister and I just got here today, and he already has me lost and thinking about my situation too much. Usually when I am able to talk with my dad, I am able to come to some kind of conclusion--whether it is the conclusion I want or not. This is not the case today. We talked. He asked questions. I answered questions. I thought out loud. He shared his opinion. I listened. And I got nothin'!
Does this just mean that this is going to be the nature of this situation? I am going to be lost and confused and left hanging until the boy makes up his mind as to whether he really wants me or not? Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop? Am I weak? Strong? Stupid? Or playing smart? And again, why is this happening? I guess if I had the answer to that question, I wouldn't be suffering like I am.
Sigh! Still love him though.

Advice

Why is it that when you are down, everyone thinks that they need to fix you? I have received more random--sometimes good, sometimes stupid--advice from EVERYONE! Really, people?! I know that you all love me. I know that you all want what is best for me. I know that you all believe that my judgement is clouded because I am hurting. Maybe it is, but how can you really tell me what to do when you have no inside look as to what I am feeling and thinking?
Honestly, I have the best support system any person could ask for. My family is amazing! I can talk and cry to my sisters and they cry right along with me. I have awesome colleagues that will be here for me even when I am not here anymore. I have friends who never want to see me left alone, and since I am staying with my aunt and uncle temporarily, I have their support at home.
However, they cannot stop this from being a terrible day, and it already is. My last day at the job I love and gave up to move to Texas. My last day with anything to keep me occupied at all. Now I will have hours upon hours to dwell on what should be and is not. Hours and hours to not get out of bed. Hours and hours to cry. I expected to have hours and hours to get packed; hours and hours to say good-bye to friends; hours and hours to spend with my parents picking up my dog.
You know, I should be able to say this to him. I should be able to tell him what I am feeling, but he is so wrapped up in what he is feeling and what he wants that I am thinking that I mean nothing to him today. Nothing at all! That is something I don't deserve, and something I should not have to put up with. So...why am I?

Never again!

I am never going to fall in love again. I will not--I cannot--do this to myself anymore. Love is the greatest thing and love is the worst thing. Love builds you up and tears you down. It is beautiful and terrible in the same five minutes. Those we love the most, we also hate the most. So, why does anyone fall in love? It is a guarateed heartache.
I am in love. I am also in a great amount of pain. Not actual physical pain like a broken toe, but the kind of emotional pain that turns into physical pain when every breath hurts; when the blood in my veins burns the inside of my body because it is being pumped through an empty, broken vessel; when water is the only thing I can swallow and only because I am dehydrated from crying so hard.
He did this to me. There was no fight, no break-down of communication, no unresolvable issues, no lack of love. He simply freaked out and turned his head. He looked so far away that he found his way into someone else's arms. He found some kind of solace in not being with me. He thinks he has feelings for her, but he loves me too. He can't give me what I need. He can't take me away from my family and friends. He is full of shit.
I fell for him hard and fast. Why wouldn't I? He offered me everything I always wanted--an open, honest relationship; a best friend; a fantastic sex life; a chance to grow. He bragged about my accomplishments--my job, my Master's degree, my work ethic--more than I did. I believed I was a goddess in his eyes!
He used to tell me that I was the perfect combination of sweet and seductive. He was so excited to take me home to Mom and equally excited to take me to bed. We laughed together, cried together, talked together, and sang--loud and in the car--together. He made this big, awkward girl feel sensuous and sexy. He loved me with his body, mind, heart and soul. Well, he let me believe that anyway.
I honestly still believe that he loves me. I can't imagine that he didn't or doesn't even now. I just think that he--well, I have no idea what he was thinking. Mostly, he wasn't.

Why am I doing this?

I need an outlet. I need an outlet where I can share my feelings with the world regarding my anger, my resentment, my struggle in overcoming the obstacles I am facing. I guarantee that I will sound like a crazy person. I will sound pathetic and sad. I will be angry, crazy, hurtful, and resentful. I promise that I will do my best not to trash talk too much, but I will be brutally honest in my feelings about and for the people involved. I will also not be using names.