This is my confession of the crazy things that have been floating through my head for the past few days. I am totally blaming this on turning 30 soon, but I really could just be crazy!
1. Do I really want to have babies?
Gasp if you must and run to grab the thermometor to make sure I am feeling okay, but that is actually something that has been running through my head. Why? Well, I like our life. I like being home and hanging out with Nick and not having to worry about anyone else. I like sleeping through the night. I like being able to pick up and run out the door at a moments notice. Besides, this world is a crazy, scary place where there are crazy scary things. I'm worried enough about me handling it! How can I expect to prepare my own children?
2. If I can guarantee that we have girls...
I might reconsider. However, I have a theory about how sons steal a mother's heart and her sanity and then spend all of their adult life stomping on her heart strings. I am terrified to have sons. I don't know what I would do with them or how to handle them or if I would even like them. Sigh! Not a pleasant way to spend a lifetime.
3. If I get this job and go back to work...
We will just have to push having kids off more anyway. As soon as I begin working, I will need to stay working for a long time. Longer than I originally thought. School loans and cc debt and wanting to buy a house and establish some roots are all pressing on my mind. BIG TIME! Not to mention that I am watching my husband melt under the stress of making his budget for next year which determines our income. I can't let him stress like that anymore. I need to contribute to us more.
4. Really, I am getting too old for this...
I know. Thirty! So what? Right? Nope. I'm scared to have kids in my 30's. What if something is wrong with them or me? We already tried this once and it didn't keep. If that happens again, I can't promise that I wouldn't want to give up.
5. I'm afraid to do this alone and so far away from my family. I don't think I am strong enough for that.
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3 comments:
You are allowed to be crazy. What big questions that are weighing on your mind! Of course you are going crazy.
Good thing the Lord knows the timing of all things. You and Nick will be the AWESOMEST parents ever if and when the time is right!!
Good luck with those decisions! I am always ready to chat if it will help!
Thanks, lady! I never questioned this before, so I don't know what my deal is. We will have to see what happens. It is just another one of those things that is all of a sudden a reality and making me nervous!
Jen...I'm loving your blog!
It is perfectly fine to be questioning all those big unknowns in life. I am still questioning them...just 10 years ahead of you - scary!!!!
You are young and have time on your side to figure out all those answers. I am sure as the days and years continue everything will fall into place for you and Nick.
Love to you both this holiday season.
Laura
xo
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