The Mental Workout

I know that you all think I am crazy, but we are still together. We are still talking. We are working things out. Things are better...not great, but better. There is still too much there to just give up on.

Yes, I know I am being stereotypical. Yes, I know I am setting myself up for hell. I just don't know if there is a hell worse than what we have been through already. (Okay, I know there could be, but I am trying to stay optimistic today.) I know that there are many, many issues we have yet to work out. I know that he has to build trust back up. I know that for awhile I will still have these horrible dreams about him with another girl in his life--in any capacity. I also know that there is a lot of good there!

Be mad, be angry, yell and scream at me. It is fine. Mostly, I just want people to understand that I know I am making this choice, and I am prepared (I think) to live with the consequences--good or bad.

Waiting...

He doesn't know that I know. There is a message waiting for him on his cellphone when he decides to return to the real world. I hope he sweats A LOT!

Shame on me!

You know the saying, "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." Well, guess what?! I have been a fool. I have been blinded by my own desires. I have been sitting here knowing that something is going on, and I have worked very hard to convince myself that this is not happening. Oh, what a silly, silly little girl I have been!
Something very real is going on...he is a big, fat liar and a cheater. That is what has been going on. No more excuses for him. No more reasons for me to pretend this might be fixable. And where is he while I am agonizing and crying like a stupid girl. On a weekend getaway with a friend. I wish I could believe that.
So, to those of you who have stood by my side while secretly wishing I would just walk away from this, you will get your wish. To those of you who have been particularly vocal about the kind of person you think he is, you were apparently right. To those of you who want to smack me for being so nice, go ahead. It can't hurt more than this does.
That is the worst part...I am in actual physical pain right now. My chest hurts, my head is throbbing, my muscles are tight and tense, and I am having trouble breathing. And, all I can think STILL is, why is this happening?!

I love you

Why do we say this to one another when it is not how we are atually feeling. I was told yesterday that I love him more than he loves me and that worries him because he doesn't feel as if he deserves love from me at all. I know...to the outside observer, he does not. I have heard it over and over and over again. He doesn't deserve me...not that any other person can make that decision--not even him. Guess what, people?! The man that I know and love does, in fact, deserve this fantastic girl. The man who he is being right now, does not.

Here we are AGAIN! In this place where I am questioning if it is worth it to stick around? That has been happening a lot these past few days. The conclusion is always the same. I am not going anywhere. I am here for the duration...of what? I am not really sure, but TA-DA! Here I am!

I have spent the past few days in the company of my best friend, her husband, and her sons. They are this picture of what I totally expect marriage to be. Not perfect. Not always clean. Not always happy. It is challenging and messy and exciting and boring and crazy and fun...all in the same day. Where, oh where, have I gone wrong in thinking that I could have had this? Maybe I can't.

In keeping with the craziness that is my life: I also interviewed for a job in Texas. Why? Well, I need a job and they called. I am putting a lot of faith in the idea that this will work out like it should, and I will end up where I should--with or without him.

Some days are better than others

You know, it is amazing to me how I let how he is feeling today control how I am feeling today. When did I hit the point to where I am not my own person anymore? I do get better and stronger every day, but there are still those days when he is struggling with the things happening in his life that I struggle with us. I know that this happens because when he is so overwhelmed by work and all the other BS happening in his life, that is when I matter least.
I like to think that if I was there, this would be different. That is we had stuck to the plan, I would be there to help him through, and I would be fine. In reality, I know that he doesn't want me there because he doesn't want me to try and help him deal. He feels as if his burden is his own to bear. This is something that I can completely understand. Perhaps this is where the oldest child thing we have in common comes in to play. I can't handle letting people down, and I know he feels the same way.
However, today and yesterday have been better than the few days before and those days were better than the days before as well. I sometimes feel a little sad that my heart is healing like it is. That I am handling this, not better than expected, but different than expected. Perhaps I am growing from this life experience more than I thought I would. I only pray that I am not the only one experiencing that change.