Thanksgiving

I am very thankful for a lot of things. I am thankful for all my friends. I am thankful for the chance to be here longer and to spend more time with those I love. I am thankful for the most wonderful family ever! I am thankful for the boy who really does love me. I am thankful for the chance I have to be here everyday, to learn, to love and to live. So cheesy, I know! This is very general, but my heart is so full that I can't even focus on it all!

And now...

The sentence has been made. Now maybe life can move on. It sounds like we will get married next year. I have a lot to plan and even more to think about.

Two Days Later

He says that I am not going to lose him, and there is a large part of me that honestly believes that. Then there is that small part of me that is completely terrified that when he is feeling fine again, he will think that he doesn't need me.
Holly (and a few others) have asked me what it is that he has given up for me when I have obviously sacrificed so much for him. I wonder the same thing sometimes. I guess it is unfair to say that...he never really asked me to give up a lot. I just naturally did. That is partially my own fault. I am where I am because I have made the choice to be here. I am well aware of that fact.
How many times did someone say to me, "Go to Texas anyway?" PLENTY. How many times did I chicken out because I can't do it without him? TOO MANY. At this point, I know that there is nothing that I cannot do on my own. I know, I know...I was supposed to be such an independant girl. I would say that I am, but I bet that there are those who would laugh at me right now. The thing is, I can live my life and make decisions without him and his input. We were just in a place where we had started talking to each other about EVERYTHING! We were figuring things out together and making decisions together. Big decisions. He was my sounding board--he still is my sounding board. That is how it should be, and I just hope and pray that it stays that way.

Tell me...

Just tell me that you are crazy to even think for a minute that you could live without me. Tell me that you just got scared and that you love me. Tell me that I am as important to you as you are to me. Tell me that you never really want to leave me. Tell me that even though it is going to be hard and we may struggle that this--that WE--are what you want out of your life. I am offering you my everything; I have already given it to you.
I know what it is that I want out of life. I feel as if I have made a lifetime commitment to you already. I hate to bring this up, but why do you freak like this just inside of ten days of your major court dates? I knew what your life was when I made this choice to be with you. I do not judge…it is not my job. It makes me sad to think that you don’t seem to love yourself enough to want things that are good for you. It makes me wonder if I am really good for you or not. You keep saying that I am, but everything else you do screams that you do not really believe that.
I never want to be second best or someone that you settle for. I know that I am not settling for you. You are perfect for me with all your imperfections and issues included. If settling is what you would be doing, then don’t marry me. Don’t have babies with me. Don’t live in a house with me. If, however, you are not settling by making that commitment to me, then stop this. Thank the good Lord that he sent you someone so wonderful. Let go of all the things holding you back and look to the future.
You are my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you. I love you.