Anxiety, my new/old friend

I will admit that I have become a BuzzFeed junkie. I love the random posts, the sarcasm, the snarky comments, the entertaining (sometimes inappropriate) videos. I love it. There are posts that I avoid, however. The majority of which are depression or anxiety related. Why? Well, this girl is having some kind of strange love affair with anxiety. Thankfully, it is manageable on my own currently, but I find this anxious time in my life rather...interesting? eye-opening? challenging? maddening? frustrating?

Let's cover a few things:

1. Several years ago there was a student in my class that I NEVER met. She was enrolled in my class for an entire semester, and her mother came to school twice to try and pick up work for her, but she never came to school because she was battling severe anxiety. I remember feeling bad for her and also frustrated because I just did not understand how anyone could actually feel SO anxious about LIFE that they never wanted to leave their home. Silly me. Granted, I am never so anxious that I don't want to leave my home, but I do have to talk myself into it sometimes. I have to make plans with people so I am fully committed. And then sometimes I DREAD those plans for DAYS until I leave for planned event and have a wonderful time. Always. I always go and have a wonderful time.

2. I love sleep. I love it. I look forward to the time when I can take a nap every day. Really. And yet, sleep and I are not the very best of friends every day. Granted, I have a ten month old who seems to dislike sleep, but it is more than that. I find myself awake often trying to figure out solutions to problems that NO LONGER EXIST in my life. You know, like what should I have done differently this one time OR what should I have said in this situation. Should I have stuck up for myself more here? How would I handle this today? Total waste of time, and yet I cannot seem to turn it off on some nights.

3. Remember when your friends were everything? They were your family and support system and the people you spoke to every single day. Remember how life happens and family happens and all of that is good and wonderful? And then, somehow you don't talk to these people as often and you worry that you have no friends. And then you want to reach out to them, and sometimes you do, and other times you cannot find the words to even say, "Hey, how are things?" even though it is as simple as that? But when you do, you find that they still love you. Because--well, in most cases anyway--THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

4. Then there is this online life we seem to have to live where everything is perfect and pictures are flawless. There was a time when I had just had a baby and my life was not perfect and wonderful, and I apparently shared that too much because my husband got complaints from people who thought I should be happy because I had just had a baby and that obviously should be the sunshine in every person's day--and IT IS--but it is also hard and I was alone--A LOT--and things were not perfect. Not that I am always sunshine and roses in my online life, BUT this is the first time since then that I have DARED to post anything negative for public eye on purpose. And I am actually fearing for the backlash that this will bring, and I may not even tell anyone that this post is here. I might just let people find it on their own because writing down things about my anxiety in order to get them out and off my chest is one thing--sharing is totally another. And yet, I feel as if maybe someone else needs to know that anxiety is real and okay and others deal with it too.  

5. There are crazy things that led to my anxiety. I know what they are, and we are working hard to change those things and learn how to cope with that process. These are the big reasons. There are often little things that trigger my anxious feelings. See, I don't spend every moment of every day with anxiety. I spend a few hours here and there really feeling anxious. Today, that thing is this: I have to go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow. At an appointment a few weeks ago the doctor heard what he thought was enough of a murmur to send me in to get it looked at. You guys. I KNOW this is probably not a big deal. I KNOW THIS. But I cannot help but think about all the heart surgeries that have been done on all the people I am related to. I cannot help but think about the surgery that Gram had before she died. I cannot help but think about the episodes and attacks and the medicine cabinets full of medicine that these people had/have to deal with. I cannot help but think of the extra weight I carry and the high blood pressure when I am pregnant. I cannot help but think of all the times I have heard that my _______ was my age when they started having _______ issue or _______ medicine. And I am terrified.