Serenity What?!

Heaven help me, I've been thinking about the serenity prayer all day long. I have never liked the serenity prayer. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't really understand it. Maybe because I don't know how or why so many people draw from it the strength that they do. Even as I have recently come into contact with an organization that seems to rely heavily on this mantra, I have resisted it.

I have been raised in a religion that subscribes to very few SET prayers--meaning that we do not say the same prayer over and over during our meetings. We do have a few prayers that we say over and over again, but these are used to perform baptisims or when blessing the sacrament. To me, the serenity prayer just has never carried any meaning.

And yet, I cannot get it out of my head today.

Maybe it is because of the lesson we had in Relief Society today. Our lesson revolved around the talk, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, titled, "The Merciful Obtain Mercy". Presdient Uchtdorf spoke much about judging and forgiving and loving one another. When I listened to him speak last April, I was struck by his words and reveled in the truth. We need to stop judging one another. Today, as I listened to the words and experiences of those around me, I was struck in a much different way.

It isn't a secret that I have been feeling judged lately. I think that comes with the territory of having to humble myself to accept help from people when I really don't want to and in turn being angry that I have to. As I was sitting there wondering how I was even going to make it through the lesson today, there it was. This dang serenity prayer popped into my head, and I thought, "What?!"

So, I did what any normal person would do--I ignored it. And then there it was again and again and again. There are lots of things I cannot change about my life and my circumstances right now. The problem is that sometimes I want to find Doc Brown, send some people back in time and make them do things over. If only. Too often my conversations with God have been, why? and why me? and why now? and how am I ever going to survive?

Then, I wake up, and another day has dawned, and I have two amazing girls, and a family who loves and supports me, and a home, and a job, and while not everything is perfect, and I have A LOT of changing and growing and accepting and healing to do, I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. He watches over me and helps me make good choices for my daughters each day. Not everyone has to agree with the choices that I make. I am not a perfect person or perfect mother or perfect wife. I never will be, and I won't pretend that I am.

I think I have been given a good amount of courage lately. The serenity and the wisdom, however...I'll work on it because I know I have to be humble enough to accept those things, and I know I'm not. Not now anyway.