It's okay to admit it...I'm sad.

A Texas friend posted this video today on Facebook, and I shared it there as well, but I felt as if I needed to put it here to remind me. It is okay that I am sad sometimes. Today was a highly productive day. I got a lot done. I talked to many people I needed to. I received relevant and important information. Then I sat on my couch and bawled. Through the tears though, I have to say that I do know that I am being watched over. My friends and family are incredible. My daughter (while trying today) is always a blessing. And, I know that my Father in Heaven is mindful of our circumstances. He know how I am (we are) feeling, how I am (we are) dealing, and what I (we) need to make it through. Of this I am sure.

Missing My Lobster...

Well, it isn't a secret that Nick isn't here. Q and I made a trip to see him in Texas last week. It was bittersweet. (For all you TX friends reading this, sorry we didn't get to visit everyone. We didn't really have time, so I didn't make it known that we were there.) We probably will not be able to make it back again. Just in case anyone wondered...I am miserable and I do hate this. Just in case anyone wondered...we are doing okay and my daughter is a trooper.
I did also celebrate a birthday while away. Thirty-two...funny, I don't feel thirty-two. These days I feel significantly older, but usually I still feel as if I am a twenty-something. Then I have those days when I want to be five again...oh, age! When I am feeling this way, I always think of the short story, "Eleven", by Sandra Cisneros. (Read it, it is short!) I loved teaching this one, but more than that, I love how much I can relate.
Well, since this post has been a little random already, have I ever mentioned what a wonderful little girl I have! She really is the light of my life! She makes me laugh daily! Here she is doing her yoga!

What a cutie! I am a blessed momma! 

Finally, I would be so ungrateful if I didn't say thank you to those wonderful friends who have helped us out so much! I won't mention names here, but you certainly know who you are. I can't properly express how much I appreciate the time and energy you have invested in helping my little family. Life would certainly be SO much harder without you. Love you! 

If my life were a Jane Austen novel...

Oh, how glorious that would be! I would be just the right amount of vulnerable, intelligent, hard-headed, witty, beautiful, desired, and admired. My path would be chosen for me. I would, of course, be a gentleman's daughter and therefore, someone stunning would come along and want to sweep me off my feet. We would banter and argue and probably despise one another at first, but then fall hopelessly in love.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
My biggest worry would be which beau to choose and how to wear my hair and my best friends unfortunate match in a mate. We would giggle and discuss the wretched gossip from town, and my mother would probably be crazy.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
I wouldn't have days like today where I was so exhausted I could hardly lift my daughter. I wouldn't break down in Walmart parking lots because a gust of wind just happened to set me off. I wouldn't have a TO DO list a mile and a half long and feel so unbelievably overwhelmed that I just want to sit on my couch and do nothing. I wouldn't worry that I have completely alienated my best friend because I have really crappy timing sometimes.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
I wouldn't be married to the love of my life. I wouldn't have the greatest daughter God could have blessed me with. I wouldn't be able to face challenges and grow and become a stronger person. I wouldn't learn from each mistake I make. I wouldn't have the best family and the most amazing friends on the planet.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
Why that would be no life at all! So, thank you, Jane, for the chance to escape for a while. However, I will keep my life--as wretched and wonderful as it all is!

Thoughts about our 2011

Generally this time of year I would do an elaborate post about how our year shaped up complete with pictures and fantastic commentaries on the wonderfulness of our life, especially now that we are back in Colorado. However, I kind of don't have the desire or energy for any of that this year. The last few months have been exhausting with no end really in sight.
So, here are some things I have learned this year. Before I start, let me preface this with the statement that we are all fine. Nick and I are fine. Quincy is fine. We are just experiencing one of those trials that you never think you are going to experience. Nick is back in Texas for a while. He is there taking care of some things he needed to take care of long ago. Unfortunately, we cannot be with him for the time being, so Quincy and I are trucking along in CO. I am looking for a job as Nick lost his. We are working hard to keep our family together and to make life as normal for our baby girl as possible.
Sometimes I wonder if moving home was the right decision for us, but then again, I know it was okay. Q and I are close to family, and we are blessed to be in a wonderful ward with people who support us as well. Life right now is probably harder than it ever has been before, and yet, I am unafraid. I know that we are being attended by angels everywhere we go. I know that Nick is doing the right thing. I know that we are going to make it through all this, one long day at a time. I know that my strength, my patience, my ability to cope are all being tested right now. I am thankful that Quincy is so young. She is aware that things are different, but she is still our happy little girl. She is growing so fast, and I thank my Father in Heaven every day that I have such an amazing daughter. She is my everything.
I probably just made myself sound like an amazing martyr, which I am not. I struggle. I cry just about everyday and at the smallest things. I worry. I don't sleep some nights. I complain. I question. I say and do all the wrong things. I am far from perfect, and I am not going to pretend that I am even close to perfect. I love my husband. He is not a perfect person either, and I love him because of that.
I know that one day we will look back on this time, and it will be but a brief moment. This hardship is one that we will conquer. It will pass, and we will rebuild. Isn't that what people do? Fall and rebuild. Try and fail until you meet success. If you know me at all, you know that I refuse to give up. I will work hard to build the life I know my family deserves. I will protect my family. Somehow I will learn to ask for help. Somehow I will learn to be more patient. Somehow I will come through a better, stronger wife, mother and overall person.  

Quincy's First Thanksgiving

We were able to spend this Thanksgiving holiday with some truly fabulous people. We packed Q and headed over the river and through the woods. Holly, Eric, Lisa, Hondo, Monroe, and Kelli were all there too. We played with the babies, napped, laughed, talked, and stuffed ourselves as is appropriate for a Thanksgiving feast!
Q had a big weekend when she stood up on her own and then began crawling. She is our noisy girl, but she proved just how loud she can be ALL week long! She loves the sound of her own voice. I really am so crazy about this little girl! She is so funny. She will fake laugh at me or fake cough and then just giggle at herself. She thinks she is hilarious (a trait she inherited from her Grandma Mahan, I'm sure.)

We were lucky enough to both witness her first standing. This is the first time she has reached a major milestone in front of Daddy, and he was thrilled. She does love the men in her life! Every time her dad or her grandad walked out of the room, she would yell or cry at them to come back. It is cute to see them cave each time and come reassure her that they have not left her for good.

Her first birthday is fast approaching, and I don't know if I am ready for it! She is growing so fast! Where is my baby?! I do love every minute though, and I am so glad that I am able to witness it all. I really do have the best job! 

Just Feeling Restless

This is the story of my life these days. I am not sure what it is...maybe the season or the holidays or the crazy events that have taken place in our lives recently, but I am one restless momma. It is strange to be so busy and feel this way. Q keeps me on my toes all day long, and when Nick gets home, she wants nothing but Daddy, so that is when I can actually DO things without an attachment.

I have projects to work on and people I want to see. I have presents to think about and a birthday party to plan. Our house is never spotless and the laundry is never done. I am searching for interesting recipies and easy crafts to keep me occupied. I have a growing stack of books to read and a lot of sleep to catch up on. So, why am I so restless?

Perhaps it is because I am always distracted. Projects get started, but never seem to be completed. My head is racing a million miles an hour, and the only time I am focused on one thing is when I am in the gym. I need a chart that is a huge TO DO List. I need someone to come and look at my list and tell me it isn't out of control.

Then again, maybe I am not busy enough. I am home with Q all the time. We go to the gym and run a small errand or two on a daily basis, but then we are home together all day. Maybe I am experiencing a little cabin fever. Maybe if I was busier, I would accomplish more. I have always performed better under pressure. Now that I have no deadlines and grades aren't due and papers aren't piling up and I don't have an essay to write or copies to make or lessons to plan, maybe I am slacking. Except, I don't miss that stuff. Okay, maybe I miss planning lessons and reading books and regular adult interaction, but I wouldn't trade it!

So, for now I will be restless...I will make that long list and even cross off a few things. Or maybe, I'll go help a little girl figure out how to crawl. That sounds better...crawling.

Oh, Life!

Sometimes it feels like the universe is trying to break me in two. It is at those times that I try, try, try to count the many blessings I do have because they are plentiful! So, in additon to the craziness that is already happening, Nick totaled the Tribute on his birthday. Sigh! Luckily, our car insurance company (Progressive) was AH-MAZING! They had our rental car to us and the Tribute picked up within 24 hours of our call to them. We picked up a check and shopped for a new car over the weekend. I am now driving a 2005 Ford Escape. It is a bright red, and I am liking it more and more as time goes on.

We have managed to do some fun things here and there, however, so I will share some pictures from Q's first Halloween and her first snow! She had a really fun time watching all that was going on around her.

Her first Trick-or-Treating expereince was at the Spooktacular that the City of Broomfield does at the First Bank Center. She wasn't really into the candy part, but she was very into the people watching part. She is so good when we take her out in public! Thank goodness for that!

She had a fun time helping Mom and Dad carve pumpkins this year. She held the cut out pieces for us and chomped on them too. We had a big pumpkin and a little one this year...both turned out great!

We also have had some snow, which I missed so much while we lived in Texas. Quincy seemed to like it! Here she is all dressed up to go and play in it for the first time. I love this hat and mittens. Both are too big, but she'll grow out of them before I am ready!

It just wouldn't be right for her to play in it and not eat it! She seemed to like it. I think it helped cool her gums...we'll see some teeth one of these days.

She also had to stand in it for a minute! She has super cute snow boots, so we had to put them to use. She will be my little snow bunny yet! I love the snow and the feeling that white blanket invites. It is good for my soul.