Just When You Think You Can't Take Any More...

Something else happens, and somehow you realize that you can apparently take one more thing and pile it on top of the baggage of things you have to do, stuff it into the emotional duffle bag, squeeze it into the backpack of worry, and zip in into the fanny pack of anger. Vague much?

Well, here it is...despite my reservations about public education and the spiral it seems to be careening down, I had a job interview at a high school recently. No, I really didn't tell anyone about it, and I gave the interview my all. However, I didn't feel great about it and they didn't call be back for a third and final interview. So, still no full time job that would allow me to financially support my family while turning over the raising of my children to someone else...do you sense that I am conflicted here?

The hubby has been unsuccessfully looking for employment since he has been in Greeley (oh, yeah...we're apart again, although Greeley is closer than Texas, although we hardly get to see each other and he never gets to see the girlies).

My happy and healthy T has to go see a pediatric orthopedic specialist this week because no one thought (I'll take some blame for this too because I did think about it once and then forgot to ask) to X-Ray her hips when she was a newborn and now she may need hip surgery...at 9 months old. If you ask me about this and I burst into tears, please do not be alarmed. I am not dealing with this one very well, AND we haven't even seen the specialist yet. Just the thought...just the thought.

We will deem April 2013 as the month of yuck. We had a great and healthy winter...and April and it's freakish snow storms came a-calling, and I think one or all three of us have been sick since April 1st. We are still dealing with runny noses and Q ran a temp for the last few days. I am praying this is all of it. I'm a bit tired of it.

Amazingly, I am looking forward to the summer months. I hardly ever do. I am a cold weather girl, but I need some sun therapy. These past few days here in Colorado have been amazing! Don't worry though, we will start May with more snow. Yep. May. Snow. Here we go!

A Dark Place

We have all been sick over a period of about two weeks with this last week being the culminating week of MAJOR sick. I have finally grown tired of the sound of "mmmmoooommmmyyyyy" in a whiny two-year-old voice with absolutely nothing else attached to it.

"Mmmmoooommmmyyy!"
"Yes, Quincy."
"Mmmmmmoooommmyyyy!"
"What's wrong, honey?"
"Mmmmmmmooooommmmyyyy!"

Holy mother of all that is holy! If you have never experienced the frustration attached to this sound, be grateful. Even now, as she is feeling better, snuggled on the couch watching Finding Nemo and drinking some milk, every few minutes she has to yell, "Mmmmmooooommmmyyyy!" Is it bad that I have stopped answering every time?

I think that even her two-year-old brain is plotting a take over--a coup d'etat--for the spot of supreme ruler of the household. I don't really know why. Today she can have it if it means that she will clean and do the laundry and run to the store for me and look for a new job and...and...and...you get the picture.

Why is it that when everyone is sick that you find yourself in a dark, dark place where sunshine cannot live? I need out of that place. A new week dawns tomorrow. Let's hope it brings with it the hope, help and happiness we are seeking.

Loss

It's a weighty thing, and I don't think any of us can be really sure how it will affect us or hit us from day to day. It hasn't been quite two months since we lost Gram, and I am feeling rather lost and a bit panic-y. When Nick was gone last year while I was pregnant with Tessa, I made him make a plan with me as to what would happen to our girls if, heaven forbid, something happened to me. While we were running errands yesterday, I needed to make sure he still knew the plan as we had discussed it as he will be away from us again for the majority of this year. No, I am not planning on leaving this Earth, but I don't want to ever be left without a plan. Yes, I am experiencing what I would call my postpartum days. In other words, I haven't felt this down and lowly in about five or six months--since T was a newborn. I'll work myself out of it. It's okay to be sad and a little lost sometimes. I'm sure that whatever waits for me on the other side of this fog is gorgeous!

Car Drama Mamma

Admittedly, I have trouble with this lately. It is hard to remember to count your many blessings when so much seems to be going wrong. I know I am blessed daily, but there are times when those blessings are a little more obvious than others. Twice this week, we have been blessed with our own little miracle. Twice, I have been spared from having to fork over money that we absolutely do not have right now to fix our cars. 

First, we had to take the Escape in for some work when the check engine light was blinking on and off at me  and the whole car seemed to be shaking. We took it in and had the initial work done on it, paid $680 for the repairs and brought it home. Less than 24 hours later, the engine light was back at it. So, I made the call, took it back in, and the dealership agreed to fix whatever was wrong at no cost to us. "Sorry we missed it the first time." No offense to the dealership, but since that second repair was $1000 repair, I am not all that sorry that we had to take it in a second time. Saved us a pretty penny, so thank you for missing it the first time and fixing it for us the second!

Second, my Fusion check engine, oil and maintenance light have been on for a month or more. Probably more. The initial test on it came back with another dealership telling us that we needed to replace the transmission. Dude! That is SO expensive. I don't have $8500 just lying around to spend on anything. So, the car sat in my driveway while we tried to figure out exactly how to handle this one. The dealership where I took the Escape (where we bought it--it's a bit of a drive from our house, so I took the Fusion to a closer one at first) without looking at it, based on what the other dealership had told us gave us a better estimate ($5600), and, of course, wanted to look at it which they have not yet.

It's no secret that we currently have to have a breathalyzer device in the Escape in order for Nick to have his  license. The dumb thing malfunctioned and locked me out! So, I had to take the girls in the Fusion the few blocks to get it looked at. The technician jumped back in with me to make sure that it was functioning properly and the Fusion was driving him nuts. He convinced me to allow his one of his mechanics to look at it for me, and let me tell you, I am so glad that I did. Two wires, 45 minutes and $200 later, the Fusion runs like a dream! 

All I can say is, "Thank you" to a loving Heavenly Father who watches out for this stubborn girl. 

Where Does The Time Go?

  

She's seven months old? How in the world did that happen so fast? I remember waiting and watching every move that Q made and thinking that she would never eat solids or crawl or walk or talk. Is that just how it is with the first? Time crawls because you are waiting and waiting and waiting for all these milestones? Then why does time FLY with number two? Because I am suddenly an expert? Hardly. Because big sister keeps me on my toes? Probably. I am just amazed by it all! I thought it would be fun to do some side by side comparisons of the girls at the same age. Enjoy them! I know I do.
                                 

What is True Love?

Oh, Hollywood! Thank you for giving me the most ridiculous expectations of love. I mean it. Truthfully, I live a love story that is stormy and challenging, and I need these moments to revel in the love story of someone much more tuneful in their love.

I used to spend Valentine's Day pining away for a true love! Someone who could and would sweep me off my feet. I can honestly say that I have been swept off my feet twice--and both of those relationships lasted but a moment--what will equate to mere seconds in Eternity, I am sure. That swept-off-my-feet feeling was fun. Not real. Lustful, really...the floor that I hit when my feet flipped over my head and reality rose up to meet me caused lots of bruises. Lots and lots of scrapes and torn ligaments. All this really was, was me stretching my love muscle. Learning what I want and do not want from a relationship, and let's be honest, testing my ability to forgive, to let go, to clean up, and to move forward.

"We should remember that saying 'I love you' is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and demonstrate love."

—David A. Bednar, "More Diligent and Concerned at Home", Liahona and Ensign, November 2009

"I love you" is such an important phrase. It means so much, and sometimes people throw it around too liberally. I think that often times we say, "I love you" just to hear it back. Just to confirm that we are indeed loved.

In order to be loved, you must give love. Love is not a material thing. You cannot buy it. You cannot buy someone's love with bribes or toys or treats or money. It doesn't work that way! You may secure affection for a short time, but attempting to bribe someone into loving you is a sure way to build resentment, anger, and eventual hatred.

I have been working on this post for DAYS. It is random. It is broken and may not really make sense. I am skirting around what I am really feeling this Valentine's Day. I appreciate that there is a day devoted to love. Not for the presents or the flowers or the chocolate. Not because I have always had someone, because I honestly have not. I have, however, always been loved. By my mother, my father, my sisters and brother. By my grandparents. By my friends. Valentine's Day should be a day that we take a moment just to remind the people we love that we love them! I mean, why not?! Don't join the hype if you don't want to, but don't knock this day of love.

My love story is a complex one. I will, once again, spend this day away from my Valentine thanks to forces out of my control. And, once again, as I evaluate the state of my current situation, I will say that while the road has been bumpy and the journey has already been long, I am more in love today than I was yesterday, and I will be more in love tomorrow than I am today. The fight for my family will likely never be over. Right now I travel a hard--and often lonely--road. And while this may not make sense, even in the loneliness, there is love.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers, the friends, the caregivers, the guardians, the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, and parents. I'm sending all my love to you!

The One Where...

I love watching Friends. Since Nick has been home, we watch it quite often as it was something he missed while he was away. Not that this post will have any direct correlation to the show, but when since each episode is titled "The One Where..." and I had no idea what to title what is sure to be a random, rambling of a blog post, this title felt the most appropriate. Okay, first strange tangent over. Moving on:

I have been looking for the words to write to appropriately pay tribute to my Gram. She left us unexpectedly and too soon on January 12th. Here is what I have discovered. My thoughts on this range from anger that she's gone to guilt that I didn't see her more to frustration by how lonely she was these past (almost) seven years without Gramps to relief and happiness that they are together again--and I just cannot seem to find the words to express it all. I guess because mixed in with all of these different emotions is the disbelief that she is no longer on this Earth. I'm not kidding. I feel like we are going to empty her house and I am going to continue to tell myself that she is gone, BUT...I really don't believe it. Because I don't. I know that it will hit me one day. I really hope I am all alone when it does because it won't be pretty.

Gram and I at my graduation from Regis. 

Besides, my sister, Lisa, (who is a much better writer than I am), wrote an amazing tribute to Gram, so I can just say DITTO.

Because we lost Gram, this:

happened. Yep. All six of our girls were able to be together for the first time. That was an amazing experience. The babies are obviously oblivious, but to watch the three older cousins run around and play together--well, it was an amazing and interesting experience. They love each other! 

Remember how I have this huge goal to lose a person from my body--well, the above event didn't really help with that. I'm a stress eater. I guess the good news is that I haven't gained any weight...BUT, well, the scale isn't going down either. 

I have had several people express their concern that my goal is too high. That I am trying to lose too much. Let me assure you that I am not. I have spent my entire life overweight. I'm not even overweight now, guys. I tip the scale at morbidly obese on the charts. Yeah. Not joking. So, I'll chip away at my goal. This week, I'll try to lose two pounds. Easy enough. I don't need to drop 10 this week or 7 or even 5. Just two! I can do that.