The Future

Is it bleak or filled with possibilities? This is something that I have questioned over and over again! As we talk about how we are going to manage moving and life and all the money issues and things we find ourselves faced with, I begin to panic a little. I was too young to really be affected my a bad economy before, and I am amazed at how it really does affect every aspect of my life. I worry about every cent. I am worried about traveling to a wedding in Las Vegas. I am worried about Nick spending money on my ring right now. I am worried that getting married is going to be something that is just too expensive for us to do right now and maybe we should wait until things are better. Everything I do--driving, going to lunch, the store, the gym--makes me question whether or not I should really be doing it. Will it take too much gas? Can I make it to the end of the month? Can I save any money right now? When will this all end?

For the first time yesterday I panicked a little at the mention of people possibly losing their jobs at the plant. This doesn't hurt my job, but it could hurt Nick's. Although I am almost sure that his job is relatively safe, I still worry. What would we do? I hate that things are so uncertain in the world right now that the job that was thriving even six months ago is hurting so much right now. I am also amazed that his livlihood--while not something I physically depend on--is something that I depend on. I only hope that he feels the same way.

Being Sick

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible for relationships to survive when one person is sick. I have been sick for a few days, and I am pretty sure that Nick is the most patient person on the planet. He has let me whine, cry, vent, and grump. He has put up with my bad mood, my anger, my tiredness, and my hostility. He laughs at me a little when I am being ridiculous, and does his best to make me laugh when I am down. If he can put up with all of this right now, he is so meant to be with me forever. I think he has seen sides of me that no one else--other than family--really has. He has been a rock for me to rest on this week while I vented about my students and cried over our situation.

Being sick has not left me much room for patience, and what little I do have is wasted on my kids during the day. I apologize to him over and over for being such a pain, and he just laughs and tells me that I am fine. He is a good guy, and I am lucky to have him!

Dreaming

I am dreaming big time today about the future. It is pretty exciting and all kinds of fun to look for jobs and houses and to think about all the craziness that will happen between now and moving time. I am looking forward to trips to TX, and Vegas, and lots of things to do in between times. There is so much to think about! Dreaming is what gets me through the day.

This weekend is my birthday, and I am dreaming about not having to spend any of those apart from Nick as well. We were together for his in November, but we are going to have to celebrate mine at the end of the month when I see him next. He is sad, I am sad, but there really is nothing that can be done. He will be there with me in spirit. That is the most important thing.

Heartaches

Sometimes I don't think. I know that there are things that I have to work on in this life, and thinking before I do things and say things that hurt the people I love the most. I just feel terrible when I unwittingly open my mouth and things come out that are hurtful--even when I don't mean for them to be. It makes my heart hurt. I need to work on it. New Year's Resolution number one!

Weekends

The time drags. I have nothing to really do and too much time to think. I am going to go nuts before January is over with. Is it terrible that I am not looking forward to Christmas nearly as much as I am looking forward to December 30th and being in Texas? This has nothing to do with the family! I am really excited to spend some good, quality time with my parents and siblings. I just need to see Nick and make sure he is okay. I am so over this being apart stuff. Is it the summer time yet? I am ready for that! Very, very ready...

Good Talk

Poor, Nick! He had big plans to talk to me for twenty minutes last night and then go to sleep by nine. I actually do not feel sorry for him, and he really doesn't either. We talked and talked and talked for two hours before going to sleep last night and neither one of us really wanted to stop. I am pretty sure we could have talked until the wee small hours of the morning! We talked about lots of things like,
A. What life will be like when we are together
B. Jealousies
C. Goals for us as a couple
D. Goals for us as individuals
E. Marriage
F. Kids
G. Traditions
H. Friendship
I. Expectations
J. An explosion of feelings that one of us has been bottling up for the past seven months--that would be me.

I was able to say some things to him last night that I have not been able to say because I was scared or he wasn't ready to hear them. All my frustrations, my anger, my hurt came tumbling out in a 45-minute tirade. He listened and consoled and apologized and expressed his love and devotion to me now. I needed that so much. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and a cloud is really beginning to clear from the sunshiny place that our relationship used to be. It is headed there again! We have some work to do, but it is being done. We are going to be just fine. I am pretty happy with life and him right now. This relationship stuff is really hard, but I am glad that I was stubborn enough to stick around. He is great. We are great. I pray that we will continue to be in this good place and happy together. You have got to love that!

White Christmas

I love the snow! Even though it was snow that caused my 10 1/2 hour drive home from Montrose, I LOVE IT! It snowed here last night, and I am in such a good mood this morning! I sang "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" all the way in to work this morning. It was fantastic! The pictures I am posting are not of today, but from the Blizzard in 2006 when I was snowed into the house for a good three days! I love looking at these pictures, and I am still proud of the fact that I dug myself out of the house--all by myself! It was five hours of work and three days of soreness after that! The snow is a beautiful and terrible thing. Enjoy the memory!

This is the walkway leading to the front door of the house. I had to get out of the house through the garage! I couldn't open the front door. It was snow packed.

Here is the front of the house! Joey spent the morning running through the snow with me! She loves it! As I shoveled, she chased the flying snow through the air and slept the entire rest of the day. She is a silly puppy! I miss her.