A Conversation with Q (5) and T (3)

On the way home from meeting Daddy for lunch, Quincy, Tessa and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Look, girls! There is the place where the Broncos play. Do you see the Bronco on the side of the building?

Q: The Broncos play right there? Tessa, do you see it?

T: Yeah, Quincy! I see the sign.

Q: Wait a minute, Mom! Are we in Denver?

Mom: We are! We are driving on the highway through Denver right now.

Q: Tessa! We are in Denver!

T: I know, Quincy!

Q: But Momma, I am a little sad about something.

Mom: You are? What is that, baby girl?

Q: Peyton Manning, Mom. He doesn't play for the Broncos anymore.

Mom: You are right. He doesn't.

T: Yeah, Mom. Peyton Manning is tired, so he doesn't play anymore.

Mom: He probably is tired. You girls are right.

Q: But Momma! I never got to see him.

Mom: I think we will still see him, honey. He'll still do commercials and be on TV and stuff.

Q: No, Mom. I mean, I want to MEET him. Now I'll never get to meet him.

Mom: Oh, sweetie! Maybe not, but we can always send him a letter if you want.

Q: Okay, Mom.

I had to write this down. It was such an animated, fun conversation with my girls today. I SO love that these girls love this place (and our Broncos) as much as I do!

http://www.monigle.com/images/casestudies/saf-bg-1a.jpg

Anxiety, my new/old friend

I will admit that I have become a BuzzFeed junkie. I love the random posts, the sarcasm, the snarky comments, the entertaining (sometimes inappropriate) videos. I love it. There are posts that I avoid, however. The majority of which are depression or anxiety related. Why? Well, this girl is having some kind of strange love affair with anxiety. Thankfully, it is manageable on my own currently, but I find this anxious time in my life rather...interesting? eye-opening? challenging? maddening? frustrating?

Let's cover a few things:

1. Several years ago there was a student in my class that I NEVER met. She was enrolled in my class for an entire semester, and her mother came to school twice to try and pick up work for her, but she never came to school because she was battling severe anxiety. I remember feeling bad for her and also frustrated because I just did not understand how anyone could actually feel SO anxious about LIFE that they never wanted to leave their home. Silly me. Granted, I am never so anxious that I don't want to leave my home, but I do have to talk myself into it sometimes. I have to make plans with people so I am fully committed. And then sometimes I DREAD those plans for DAYS until I leave for planned event and have a wonderful time. Always. I always go and have a wonderful time.

2. I love sleep. I love it. I look forward to the time when I can take a nap every day. Really. And yet, sleep and I are not the very best of friends every day. Granted, I have a ten month old who seems to dislike sleep, but it is more than that. I find myself awake often trying to figure out solutions to problems that NO LONGER EXIST in my life. You know, like what should I have done differently this one time OR what should I have said in this situation. Should I have stuck up for myself more here? How would I handle this today? Total waste of time, and yet I cannot seem to turn it off on some nights.

3. Remember when your friends were everything? They were your family and support system and the people you spoke to every single day. Remember how life happens and family happens and all of that is good and wonderful? And then, somehow you don't talk to these people as often and you worry that you have no friends. And then you want to reach out to them, and sometimes you do, and other times you cannot find the words to even say, "Hey, how are things?" even though it is as simple as that? But when you do, you find that they still love you. Because--well, in most cases anyway--THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

4. Then there is this online life we seem to have to live where everything is perfect and pictures are flawless. There was a time when I had just had a baby and my life was not perfect and wonderful, and I apparently shared that too much because my husband got complaints from people who thought I should be happy because I had just had a baby and that obviously should be the sunshine in every person's day--and IT IS--but it is also hard and I was alone--A LOT--and things were not perfect. Not that I am always sunshine and roses in my online life, BUT this is the first time since then that I have DARED to post anything negative for public eye on purpose. And I am actually fearing for the backlash that this will bring, and I may not even tell anyone that this post is here. I might just let people find it on their own because writing down things about my anxiety in order to get them out and off my chest is one thing--sharing is totally another. And yet, I feel as if maybe someone else needs to know that anxiety is real and okay and others deal with it too.  

5. There are crazy things that led to my anxiety. I know what they are, and we are working hard to change those things and learn how to cope with that process. These are the big reasons. There are often little things that trigger my anxious feelings. See, I don't spend every moment of every day with anxiety. I spend a few hours here and there really feeling anxious. Today, that thing is this: I have to go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow. At an appointment a few weeks ago the doctor heard what he thought was enough of a murmur to send me in to get it looked at. You guys. I KNOW this is probably not a big deal. I KNOW THIS. But I cannot help but think about all the heart surgeries that have been done on all the people I am related to. I cannot help but think about the surgery that Gram had before she died. I cannot help but think about the episodes and attacks and the medicine cabinets full of medicine that these people had/have to deal with. I cannot help but think of the extra weight I carry and the high blood pressure when I am pregnant. I cannot help but think of all the times I have heard that my _______ was my age when they started having _______ issue or _______ medicine. And I am terrified.

Just Another Day

Well, it is February 17th. Do you know what this means? It means that it is past the date of February 11, 2016. And, you know what? We made it. We survived.

Nick arrived home from work on the 11th, and I greeted him with a "Congratulations! Probation is over." And that was it. That was all. There was no fanfare. No ticker-tape parade. There were no balloons or fireworks. I don't know why I expected it would somehow be an epic day, but it was just another day.

Although...

Something did change on that day. I can, for the first time in four and a half years, look forward to our future. You see, right up until this day, you would have had a hard time convincing me that February 11, 2016 would even actually happen. My brain was hardwired to believe that that day would NEVER come. No seriously. February 10th was the end of time as far as my head was concerned.

I know this seems silly. In the last four and a half years, life has marched on. We have two more babies. I drive a minivan (this still leaves me reeling from the shock). I started a business. Nick has held several jobs, and he just started a new one that he already LOVES! I have rearranged my house three times. The girls are sleeping in bunk beds. They are both in preschool. LIFE has certainly not stopped. But, my brain seemed to.

In fact, now that we are past that date, I am relearning how to dream. Like really dream. All of a sudden there are possibilities for our future. And, YOU GUYS! It is really STRANGE. Really, really strange. Sometimes I feel as if I have to stop myself. Because the pause button has been pushed on dreaming for a long, long time. Is it crazy that I am scared a little?

Good scared.

But scared.

Another day, when I can wrap my head around it, I will have to write about all the wisdom (HA!) I have for you. I have learned many things over the last few years. I just can't think of them right now.

Until then, let's celebrate. Who wants to? I think we need to have a party. To celebrate the future and all the possibilities for a wonderful life.

Dear Quincy,

Dear Quincy,

On this, your last day of being four, I wanted to write you a letter--just a simple letter from me as your mother to you as my daughter. As I sit here to write, I realize that there is nothing simple about writing a letter to a daughter. So, I will attempt to keep this as simple and concise as I can--and I will also try NOT to cry as I go.

First, you, my Q, are AMAZING! I love getting to pick you up from school every day with a new report from Miss Kim about all the LEARNING you are doing, and I LOVE to see your face light up as you tell me about the words you are sounding out, the books you read at school, the friends you have, and ALL the stories you make up as you run around and play.

Second, I could not have asked for a better helper than you, Quincy Anne! Thank you for making Beau happy and for playing so well with Tessa. Thank you for working so hard to be a good big sister and a good friend to your brother and your sister. The love you three have for one another is evident in the way you play, help, and hug one another! It lights up my momma heart to watch.

Third, I love that all those questions you would ask OVER and OVER again have become truly inquisitive musings. You keep me honest and creative, and I am so glad that you feel safe enough to ask me ANYTHING! I pray that as the questions become harder, more emotional, that we can ALWAYS talk.

Fourth, thank you for being a fighter. You have faced lots of challenges in your short life, and you handle them beautifully. From the first time I saw you in the NICU, I knew I had a feisty, fighter on my hands. Your nurses said from the get go, "She's feisty, Mom. That's good. She is going to be just fine." This has held true for many, many situations! And, not only are you fine--you are great! You are a rock star.

Fifth and finally, I was silly to think that as the older you got it would be easier and easier for me to let you go out into the world and do and be and play. I think, as you have grown and want to venture further and further from my arms, that it has become much harder. I want to always be able to protect you from hurt and harm. I know that I can't do that, and in the long run, you will be better off not only to experience both good and bad, but you will be a better, stronger person because you do. Your big heart and capacity to love both amaze and frighten me. Your willingness to be friends with everyone is a talent that I pray you never lose. You are a warrior, Q. Just know that there will always be a warm, safe place for you to come recharge.

I am so proud to be your mom.

Love Forever,

Mom

Single Digits...

Nick said last night, "Single digits, babe."

I started crying.

Not that this should be shocking news to anyone. I am nine days out from c-section #3. I suppose the beauty of a c-section is in the planning. Assuming I don't go into labor in the next nine days, we will drive to the hospital early in the morning and have a baby--early in the morning.

For those of you who are familiar with the trauma that accompanied both Q and T's births, you will understand how blessed I feel to be able to still be pregnant at this point.

Q was delivered via emergency c-section when I was only 32 weeks 6 days pregnant due to complications I was experiencing from Pregnancy Induced Hypertension.

T was delivered via emergency c-section (although much less emergent) at 37 weeks and 1 day due to the same issue.

Needless to say, we have been heavily monitoring my blood pressure for weeks. It is higher than normal, but as long as I stay below 140/90 and my body isn't sluffing off proteins, we can stay pregnant right up to 39 weeks.

Originally, I had asked if we could wait until my actual May 7th due date to do the c-section. While my doctor didn't say no, she did advise that with this kid's size (they are estimating a bigger baby), and the threat of going into labor increasing daily as we get closer to the due date, Nick and I decided that perhaps an April baby would be the best idea.

Our anniversary is May 1--a day after B will arrive.

Happy 6th Anniversary to us!

I am excited for the arrival of my mom, Lisa, and the girls. I am so grateful that my dad and Hondo are giving them up for me.

Holly will arrive shortly thereafter as well, and I am super excited for her arrival. Eric found her a killer flight to Denver, and I'm so glad he suggested she come see us for a fun weekend.

Just so no one is surprised: Nick will not be with me when I have this baby. Restrictions placed upon him by parole and probation have forbidden him from being there for the birth of his son. No, this was not something we knew would happen. He will be with me in spirit, but he will need lots of love and support that day. I will be fine. I will be surrounded by people who love us all. He will not, and he will need all the love and support he can possibly get. We have the best friends and family in the world, and I finish here with a plea to you--please help my husband get through what is sure to be a really hard day for him.

My little family as it is now. 

A Little Catch-Up

Wow! Why is it that I come back to look at the blog, thinking that it can't be all that long since I have updated, only to discover I haven't posted since DECEMBER and it is currently MARCH?!

So, let's make this a little catch-up focused on my 2015 goals.

Goal 1: Read more. Okay, so I am now involved in two book groups. One with my friends from church and another with my mom and sisters. Both are wonderful. Both give me the opportunity to read at least two books per month. Totally manageable. I have finished two books this year. Yikes! Granted, this is me reading more, but I did set a goal for myself on GoodReads to finished just 20 books this year. Twenty is normally nothing. Twenty feels daunting right now, but I am NOT giving up on it. Reading brings me joy, and I am currently seeking all those things that bring me joy! I feel myself slipping into a dark abyss as we are presented with challenge after challenge right now, and since there isn't a whole lot I can do other than to keep trudging (you, know...to trudge) through the mud and muck, I am diligently searching out things/activities/people who bring joy into my life.

Goal 2: One day at a time. This one has been both difficult and easy. I think that people in general like to look to the bright and untainted future. I know I do. However, I am living in a place where I know I need to get through today so I can also get through tomorrow. Doesn't sound real wonderful, does it? Once again, I am working on it. I actually just ordered/signed-up for www.billionclicks.org which is (basically) a movement to bring positive thinking and things into your life. You get a clicker, and every time you have a positive thought, you count it. Let's call it my own personal experience in the power of positive thinking in my life.

Goal 3: De-clutter and Organize. Well, this house is totally in transition right now. Girlies got a new bunk bed, and we moved beds and the crib around to make room for baby boy. So...there are piles of things all over my house as I try and organize and get ready for our new addition.

Goal 4: Party. Well, the girls and I went and spent my birthday weekend playing with Stef, Matt and the girls in Nashville! It was a much needed break for us all!

On the plane to Nashville

Breakfast at the Pfunky Griddle

Cousin snuggles are the best!

A night out in Nashville with Stef watching
The Matte Gray Band @ The Stage.

2015 GOALS

Yep. It is that time of year when I start to think seriously about what I want to do to improve my life, my home, and aid my family in being happy and healthy in the upcoming year. 2015 already feels like an intimidating year--and not just because we are having another baby in May. I am pretty sure that we are already on a crazy roller coaster that will require me to just hang on for dear life many days. We should close the chapter of our lives that has thrown us into this country's broken justice system, but closing that chapter is going to be just as hard and traumatic as the opening was, I am afraid. Just a hunch. So, I am going to focus on my GOALS for 2015 on things I actually have a little control over. Here they are (in no particular order):

1. READ MORE: You guys. I love to read so much, and I have not allowed myself the time since Quincy was born to read like I used to. Honestly, 1-2 books a month will go a long way to helping me feel more like me!

2. ONE DAY AT A TIME: Life is crazy, and as much as I wish I could plan and plan and plan, it doesn't seem to work that way, so I am going to do my very best to focus on each day as it comes and to enjoy it.

3. DE-CLUTTER and ORGANIZE: We have a cozy house. We are adding another person to this cozy house, and he is going to need some space. I have a small and large list of project I would like to get done before his arrival, and a timeline! Well, a timeline for a few of these things.

4. PARTY: Do you know that for the past three years I have kind of shut myself off? I mean, I still go to book club, and I still participate in some activities, and I still see my BFF's occasionally, but I usually find excuses not to go and not to celebrate and not to be super social. I used to be super social. I miss social me sometimes. In case you all weren't aware, I'm pretty funny and generally fun to be around. I'm ready to find that girl again.

So, there they are. Four goals. Four things I want to focus on that I know will allow me to be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, sister and friend. What are your GOALS?