She's seven months old? How in the world did that happen so fast? I remember waiting and watching every move that Q made and thinking that she would never eat solids or crawl or walk or talk. Is that just how it is with the first? Time crawls because you are waiting and waiting and waiting for all these milestones? Then why does time FLY with number two? Because I am suddenly an expert? Hardly. Because big sister keeps me on my toes? Probably. I am just amazed by it all! I thought it would be fun to do some side by side comparisons of the girls at the same age. Enjoy them! I know I do.
Oh, Hollywood! Thank you for giving me the most ridiculous expectations of love. I mean it. Truthfully, I live a love story that is stormy and challenging, and I need these moments to revel in the love story of someone much more tuneful in their love.
I used to spend Valentine's Day pining away for a true love! Someone who could and would sweep me off my feet. I can honestly say that I have been swept off my feet twice--and both of those relationships lasted but a moment--what will equate to mere seconds in Eternity, I am sure. That swept-off-my-feet feeling was fun. Not real. Lustful, really...the floor that I hit when my feet flipped over my head and reality rose up to meet me caused lots of bruises. Lots and lots of scrapes and torn ligaments. All this really was, was me stretching my love muscle. Learning what I want and do not want from a relationship, and let's be honest, testing my ability to forgive, to let go, to clean up, and to move forward.
"We should remember that saying 'I love you' is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and demonstrate love."
"I love you" is such an important phrase. It means so much, and sometimes people throw it around too liberally. I think that often times we say, "I love you" just to hear it back. Just to confirm that we are indeed loved.
In order to be loved, you must give love. Love is not a material thing. You cannot buy it. You cannot buy someone's love with bribes or toys or treats or money. It doesn't work that way! You may secure affection for a short time, but attempting to bribe someone into loving you is a sure way to build resentment, anger, and eventual hatred.
I have been working on this post for DAYS. It is random. It is broken and may not really make sense. I am skirting around what I am really feeling this Valentine's Day. I appreciate that there is a day devoted to love. Not for the presents or the flowers or the chocolate. Not because I have always had someone, because I honestly have not. I have, however, always been loved. By my mother, my father, my sisters and brother. By my grandparents. By my friends. Valentine's Day should be a day that we take a moment just to remind the people we love that we love them! I mean, why not?! Don't join the hype if you don't want to, but don't knock this day of love.
My love story is a complex one. I will, once again, spend this day away from my Valentine thanks to forces out of my control. And, once again, as I evaluate the state of my current situation, I will say that while the road has been bumpy and the journey has already been long, I am more in love today than I was yesterday, and I will be more in love tomorrow than I am today. The fight for my family will likely never be over. Right now I travel a hard--and often lonely--road. And while this may not make sense, even in the loneliness, there is love.
So, Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers, the friends, the caregivers, the guardians, the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, and parents. I'm sending all my love to you!
I love watching Friends. Since Nick has been home, we watch it quite often as it was something he missed while he was away. Not that this post will have any direct correlation to the show, but when since each episode is titled "The One Where..." and I had no idea what to title what is sure to be a random, rambling of a blog post, this title felt the most appropriate. Okay, first strange tangent over. Moving on:
I have been looking for the words to write to appropriately pay tribute to my Gram. She left us unexpectedly and too soon on January 12th. Here is what I have discovered. My thoughts on this range from anger that she's gone to guilt that I didn't see her more to frustration by how lonely she was these past (almost) seven years without Gramps to relief and happiness that they are together again--and I just cannot seem to find the words to express it all. I guess because mixed in with all of these different emotions is the disbelief that she is no longer on this Earth. I'm not kidding. I feel like we are going to empty her house and I am going to continue to tell myself that she is gone, BUT...I really don't believe it. Because I don't. I know that it will hit me one day. I really hope I am all alone when it does because it won't be pretty.
Gram and I at my graduation from Regis.
Besides, my sister, Lisa, (who is a much better writer than I am), wrote an amazing tribute to Gram, so I can just say DITTO.
Because we lost Gram, this:
happened. Yep. All six of our girls were able to be together for the first time. That was an amazing experience. The babies are obviously oblivious, but to watch the three older cousins run around and play together--well, it was an amazing and interesting experience. They love each other!
Remember how I have this huge goal to lose a person from my body--well, the above event didn't really help with that. I'm a stress eater. I guess the good news is that I haven't gained any weight...BUT, well, the scale isn't going down either.
I have had several people express their concern that my goal is too high. That I am trying to lose too much. Let me assure you that I am not. I have spent my entire life overweight. I'm not even overweight now, guys. I tip the scale at morbidly obese on the charts. Yeah. Not joking. So, I'll chip away at my goal. This week, I'll try to lose two pounds. Easy enough. I don't need to drop 10 this week or 7 or even 5. Just two! I can do that.
This is me right now, and this girl...this large girl is not who I want to see when I look in the mirror anymore. So, 2013 is my year to change some things. Like...my eating habits, my soda addiction, my body, my confidence, my outlook on me. According to that really fun BMI scale, I have 100 lbs. to lose. Yeah. 100. Don't pretend to be shocked. Don't tell me I look great and there isn't 100 lbs of extra weight I am lugging around. I am. It's gross. I hate it. I am to the point where I won't look at anything but my face in the mirror because I just don't want to see it. I don't. It's how I feel about me right now. YES. I just had a baby almost six months ago, but let's not pretend that I wasn't fat before T and Q came along. NO. I am not looking for compliments or people to be shocked. What I need is support. From my friends and my family. I know I have it. I know people want me to succeed because they want me to be happy. This isn't about being vain. It isn't about clothing or a bathing suit or needing to look FABULOUS in a wedding in June (although that motivation does help). This is about me being the best, healthiest wife, mother, friend, sister and daughter I can be! I need this, guys. I don't just want it anymore. I need it.
So, I found this amazing group of people to workout with at a fun place called RightFitt (maybe I should have asked, Caley...sorry, but I hope you don't mind the shameless plug). There are weight loss challenges and fit challenges and classes and lots of info about nutrition and the plan that I hope is going to get me there through Herbalife. I'll be posting a lot about this journey. Join me if you would like! It is always nice to have a support group of friends, old and new.
This is our new doll family. We can officially call this the year of the sock monkey. Notice all four of them here. Perfect really...two large (parent) monkeys and two small (baby) monkeys. The girls both love them. Q carries them all over and T chomps their poor little legs.
This is really T's present. She loves to bounce in it, but big sister can't resist it either. She will sit in it happily and bounce and play. She is also pretty happy to help T play with all the toys when she is in it and had her cracking up yesterday. I love the sound of my girls laughing together.
Our First Christmas angel! She had such a fun day. We truly are blessed with two fantastic girls.
Our poor Q was so sick these past few days. She was pretty miserable Christmas Eve and Day. It made the days longer but we were just happy to be together as a family. We hope that your Christmas was Merry! Best wishes to you and yours for a fabulous 2013!
Dear Girls, I feel as if there might be some wisdom somewhere in a few of the things I have learned in the past few years. I have felt strongly in recent days that I need to write these things down before I move on and forget a thing or two. So, here I am. Writing you this letter late at night. The house is quiet. You are both asleep. The dogs sleep at my feet. Yet, I feel restless. I am anxious. I am agitated. So, I will share the things that haunt my thoughts and pray that something resembling wisdom will manifest itself. Perhaps my heart and my mind will find a little peace tonight. There are so many things that I want for you. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be strong. I want you to be intelligent and develop some common sense. I want you to always retain some childlike innocence. I want you to read and travel. I want you to be good at math and sports. I want you to have drive and desire. I want you to have vision. I want you to be spiritual. I want you to have a testimony. I want you to KNOW always and forever how much I LOVE YOU! I hope you get to make mistakes, and I hope you learn from them. I hope you are best friends. I hope you find true love and get to have families of your own. I hope you roll around in the mud. I hope you challenge yourself. I hope you challenge your beliefs. I hope you question EVERYTHING! I hope you learn from each other. I hope you make lots of friends and find comfort in those friendships. I know you will not be perfect. I certainly don't want you to be. I know you will not always choose the right. I know that you will make hard things look easy. I know that you both have amazing potential. I know this world will be better because you are in it. I know that sometimes you will hurt, and I know I won't always be able to protect you. I know that you were sent to me from a loving Father who knew exactly what He was doing when He gave you to me. I know you may not always feel that way. I know that you are the best decision--the best thing--I ever did.
I feel overwhelmed with life right now. This happens to everyone, but when I am drowning, I look into your eyes--both of you--and I know that somehow everything will be okay. You give me strength. You are my strength. You are my heart. You are my soul. I love you.
Okay, I meant to write this one on November 27th. It was on that day a year ago that I stood in the bathroom doorway staring at disbelief at the test in my hand. It was on that day that I looked at Nick and said, "Hey, babe?" quiet as a mouse. I cannot believe that it has been just over a year since we discovered that we would be parents again. Admittedly, I was terrified. Today, that terror seems silly. We have been blessed with the most amazing addition to this family in our Tessa Marie, and while I questioned it a year ago, my Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing--because He always does.
She's seven months old? How in the world did that happen so fast? I remember waiting and watching every move that Q made and thinking that she would never eat solids or crawl or walk or talk. Is that just how it is with the first? Time crawls because you are waiting and waiting and waiting for all these milestones? Then why does time FLY with number two? Because I am suddenly an expert? Hardly. Because big sister keeps me on my toes? Probably. I am just amazed by it all! I thought it would be fun to do some side by side comparisons of the girls at the same age. Enjoy them! I know I do.
