Count Your Many Blessings

WHEN UPON LIFE'S BILLOWS YOU ARE TEMPEST TOSSED.
 Today I am struggling, and I am not exactly sure I am strong enough to make it through this time in my life.
WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED THINKING ALL IS LOST.
I am tired. I am angry and hurt and incredibly scared.
COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS NAME THEM ONE BY ONE, AND IT WILL SURPRISE YOU WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE.

ARE YOU EVER BURDENED WITH A LOAD OF CARE?
I am completely overwhelmed with the things I have to do and plan for and think about these days. I am never sure what day it is or how I will make it through the week.
DOES THE CROSS SEEM HEAVY YOU ARE CALLED TO BEAR?
I worry about our house, our finances, our marriage, our daughter, and the one on the way. I worry about my health and the safety and well-being of my husband.
COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS; EVERY DOUBT WILL FLY, AND YOU WILL BE SINGING AS THE DAYS GO BY.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHERS WITH THEIR LANDS AND GOLD.
I feel as if others are afraid to tell me about the good happening in their lives because life is rough right now. However, I feel exactly the opposite. Please don't cut me out of your happy life! I need reasons to celebrate, and I am always happy for other people.
THINK THAT CHRIST HAS PROMISED YOU HIS WEALTH UNTOLD.
Although, my sarcastic attitude is more along the lines of, "I better be storing up heavenly blessings." Probably not the proper attitude. I should work on that.
COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS; MONEY CANNOT BUY YOUR REWARD IN HEAVEN NOR YOUR HOME ON HIGH.

SO AMID THE CONFLICT, WHETHER GREAT OR SMALL
Note: this is the hardest thing I have ever done. In fact, it is so big and so hard that I am often terrified for what the rest of my life has to offer. We are on this earth to be tested, and I assume that those tests will only become harder and harder, which frightens me to no end.
DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED, GOD IS OVER ALL
Does anyone else ever think, "Are you kidding me?" Not being discouraged has got to be the most ridiculous request. Although, I don't think that is exactly the point. Just as we are meant to feel pain and loss and failure, we are meant to feel discouraged. I like to think that the point is not to live in Discouragement Land.
COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS; ANGELS WILL ATTEND, HELP AND COMFORT GIVE YOU TO YOUR JOURNEY'S END.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS; NAME THEM ONE BY ONE. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS SEE WHAT GOD HATH DONE.COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS; NAME THEM ONE BY ONE. COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS SEE WHAT GOD HATH DONE.

1. Quincy: she is without a doubt the single biggest blessing in my life. Without her, I would not have a reason to get up in the morning or smile throughout the day. My Father in Heaven knew exactly what he was doing when he blessed me with her amazing spirit.

2. Believe it or not, being back in Colorado (even though Nick is in Texas right now) is a blessing. It doesn't always feel that way, but to have family close is a blessing.

3. Tessa: for those of you who don't know, this is the name of our next daughter. I often wonder why now--amid turmoil and havoc--is the time for her to come and join our family, but I have faith that she is all part of the plan. Not necessarily my plan, but a greater plan. She is proving already to be as great a blessing as her sister. 

4. A home: while I often question how long we will be able to stay here, I am so grateful for this roof over our head and the neighbors we have here. 

5. My sisters: without whom I would be lost. They listen to me cry and cry with me. They allow me to fall apart when I need to, which feels like a daily occurrence lately. 

6. My brother and sister-in-law: who come and rescue me when I need them!

7. My mother-in-law: who does more for us than I think she knows, along with the rest of her family who are making my life easier and slightly less stressful whenever they can. 

8. My father-in-law: who is a great support to his son.

9. Friends: who have supported me without judgement, let me fall apart, say the wrong things, be awkward and angry, and listen to my ramblings as needed. 

10. Church: this is a community of people who, whether they know the details of my life or not, have welcomed us home with open arms and help us time and time again.

11. Nick: who loves me. Who loves his daughter(s). Who is struggling with his own struggles and still only worries about us. Who is my best friend. Who I love more deeply than I ever thought possible. Who will return to us with honor, and who I choose to stand by. 

The text I used comes from a hymn, Count Your Blessings. Click on the link for the music and words. 

All My Life

Let's just say that there was a 90's sing-a-long, and someone might have confessed that this one made him miss his wife a lot. Let's just say that I love that side of him.

Married Three Years

I have been thinking over and over again all day what to post or whether to post something on the blog today. I just can't let an anniversary go by without sharing something about how I am truly blessed by the man in my life. I feel as if I have had many, many conversations lately about how marriage isn't always sunshine and roses. It is work. It is hard work. It makes me ache when people jump in and out of it so quickly without really giving it a chance.
I watched my best friend get married this last weekend in Hawaii (post to come later), and I was so happy and so proud of the decision she made to marry the man she loves so dearly. It brought on so many emotions about my own wedding day. Our ceremony wasn't on the beach or in a church or at a Vegas wedding chapel--we simply went to the courthouse. Eleven people joined us during the judge's lunch hour when he agreed to take time out of his day to marry us. It was everything I ever wanted. I stood across from the man I loved so fiercely and repeated the sweetest vows, then exchanged rings and kissed him for the first time as husband and wife. Life since then has been a roller coaster of emotions. A bag of sweet success mixed with bitter failures, and I wouldn't trade a second of it for all the gold in the world.
I think that people want to romanticize marriage as this THING that fixes all the complexities of a relationship. It doesn't. Marriage doesn't fix people. It doesn't change people. The issues people have when they aren't married are the same that arise when they are. Often times, I think being married adds complexities to the relationship--it doesn't take them away. But it is worth it. Every second is worth it. Every fight, every argument, every hug, kiss and embrace...all worth it.
I fight every day for this marriage I am a part of. I fight to keep my family together, to keep us afloat. I am not a saint. I am a wife and a mother. I don't fight alone. My love fights with me, and sometimes that fight means that he fights for his life in order to create a better one for us. For this, I love him.
Today has been a hard day. No one wants to spend their anniversary apart, but as it is necessary right now, we soldier on and pray for a better one next year.

Our Wedding Day May 1, 2009

First Anniversary 2010

Bringing home Quincy January 2011

The Power of a Voice

It is amazing how much I take for granted being able to hear the voices of those I love the most. It is even more amazing how, when one of those voices disappears, I adapt and adjust and somehow figure out how to make it through the day. Obviously this applies to losing someone I love dearly, but oddly enough, that was not what happened this time. Circumstances beyond my control dictated that I could not speak to my favorite person for an undetermined amount of time. That time ended yesterday, and suddenly, just with a simple, HI, my world had sunshine again. I was able to breath again I could stand a little taller and smile a little sincerer. You know, I am learning things right now that I never imagined I would have to learn, and the best part is, not all of it is bad! Our voices carry power. We can make or break a person's day by the way in which we speak to them. We can turn a day around with a simple hello, and I really hope I never forget that. 

Easter

"I Know That My Redeemer Lives" is one of my favorite hymns. I was watching this video today, and I realized that this year, this Easter, the sacrifice that Christ made for us through the Atonement has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I think I have finally reached the point where I understand what it feels like to forgive oneself. Not an easy feat, and not something I am sure I will be able to say I have totally accomplished in this life. However, I feel pretty at peace with who I am right now, and I assure you that that is saying a lot. I am in no way perfect, and I make mistakes daily, but the person I am today is much better than the person I was two months, six months, a year, or five years ago. Isn't that the goal? To get better with age?
I also am beginning to understand how the Atonement works to heal a person's heart and help them forgive. Forgiveness isn't an option, it is a commandment. I learned a long time ago that forgiving a person doesn't necessarily mean that they still have to be a part of your life. It is okay to forgive someone and let them go. Now I am learning how to forgive the person I love the most and preparing myself to move forward with that person. Somewhere in there, I am forcefully being taught patience as well, but I don't think that is a lesson anyone learns willingly.
I have heard time and time again that Christ will heal our hearts, and I always believed it. Here's the thing...He really, really will. This doesn't mean that I don't or won't have angry days, that I won't ever be upset or hurt by the events that unfold in my life--now or in the future. On the contrary. It is important to feel those feelings and sometimes express them. Then you can let them go, and I need to let them go. Until I do, I can't move forward, and I desperately need to move forward! I don't want to be stuck in this place forever. It is often dark here, and I am afraid of the dark places.
As always, I am grateful for my beautiful Q and also for our soon-to-be T. She/They keep me going and make life livable!

My baby is walking!

With how much and how fast Q is growing, I could probably post something new about her growth and development every day. I love this time and this age where I can just sit back and WATCH her learn. She fascinates me when she encounters a problem, grows extremely frustrated, figures out a solution and glows in the praise, "YOU DID IT!" If only my life were as simple!
For weeks now I have been watching her hold--or barely hold--on to things to walk around the house. She pushes her push toys and practically runs around and around the house. So, it wasn't a surprise when she finally let go of the couch and took more than a step or two last night. She still won't try and walk anywhere but between the couches and the table in the living room, but she is walking! And she is SO proud of herself! As she should be!
So, good job, baby girl! Momma is so proud of you!

Warning: Random Rant

Just in case you were all wondering if I am actually turning into a bitter old hag, here is the rant to prove it. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sick of having to depend on people to do their jobs and know their own policies and being let down again and again. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter...someone recently told me that my little family is collateral damage...it just can't be helped. Well, peeps, guess what?! I am tired of being a casualty and of being so nice about it.
Once upon a time I thought we lived in a country that cared about what happened to the people who were a part of it. My recent experiences have quickly taught me otherwise. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are not adequate people and programs out there to help people who have needlessly become victims of other's choices.
I used to feel completely alone in a crowded room for absolutely no reason. These days I sit in a crowd and know that I am alone. (Okay, not really...see post about Angels.) I am fighting a fight that no one else can fight for me, and when you are in the middle of that--the universe is a lonely place.
Today I spoke with someone who shared with me a policy that I was not informed of yesterday when dealing with a small problem. Today's phone call should have resolved said issue without a hitch--until I was informed of a call center policy that a) completely changes when I can get this issue resolved b) is not posted anywhere on this companies website for people to see AND c) I should have been informed of yesterday. Had I known about this policy to begin with, NO BIG DEAL. I would not have been happy, but I would have dealt with the issue. However, not only was I not told the policy, I was given information that goes against this policy to begin with! Oh, and then I was unable to talk to a supervisor. She was "in a meeting." Sigh.
This is only one small example of the policy and procedure issues I have been running into lately. No one seems to be really sure how to do their job, and when I have to call and TELL a person what their policies are and what they can and cannot do, there is a problem. Who is running this place? It certainly is not the people who should be.
Let me acknowledge that I am not a perfect person. I have never NOT screwed something up in a job I have held. I make mistakes all the time, and I do my best to fix them and learn from them. I feel as if I would be okay if just once, someone would say, "I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Here is what we are going to do to fix it." However, I have not once encountered that. It is always someone else's fault--often times the blame gets passed right on back to me. It is frustrating beyond frustrating and if I could just not deal with any of it, I would be a happy girl. However, there is a lot for me to deal with, and I will no longer take the blame or smile and say, "okay, thank you." I used to think that I would get further with honey, but that is no longer working for me. So, watch out. I'm a-coming, and I'm prepared for a fight.