Warning: Random Rant

Just in case you were all wondering if I am actually turning into a bitter old hag, here is the rant to prove it. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sick of having to depend on people to do their jobs and know their own policies and being let down again and again. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter...someone recently told me that my little family is collateral damage...it just can't be helped. Well, peeps, guess what?! I am tired of being a casualty and of being so nice about it.
Once upon a time I thought we lived in a country that cared about what happened to the people who were a part of it. My recent experiences have quickly taught me otherwise. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are not adequate people and programs out there to help people who have needlessly become victims of other's choices.
I used to feel completely alone in a crowded room for absolutely no reason. These days I sit in a crowd and know that I am alone. (Okay, not really...see post about Angels.) I am fighting a fight that no one else can fight for me, and when you are in the middle of that--the universe is a lonely place.
Today I spoke with someone who shared with me a policy that I was not informed of yesterday when dealing with a small problem. Today's phone call should have resolved said issue without a hitch--until I was informed of a call center policy that a) completely changes when I can get this issue resolved b) is not posted anywhere on this companies website for people to see AND c) I should have been informed of yesterday. Had I known about this policy to begin with, NO BIG DEAL. I would not have been happy, but I would have dealt with the issue. However, not only was I not told the policy, I was given information that goes against this policy to begin with! Oh, and then I was unable to talk to a supervisor. She was "in a meeting." Sigh.
This is only one small example of the policy and procedure issues I have been running into lately. No one seems to be really sure how to do their job, and when I have to call and TELL a person what their policies are and what they can and cannot do, there is a problem. Who is running this place? It certainly is not the people who should be.
Let me acknowledge that I am not a perfect person. I have never NOT screwed something up in a job I have held. I make mistakes all the time, and I do my best to fix them and learn from them. I feel as if I would be okay if just once, someone would say, "I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Here is what we are going to do to fix it." However, I have not once encountered that. It is always someone else's fault--often times the blame gets passed right on back to me. It is frustrating beyond frustrating and if I could just not deal with any of it, I would be a happy girl. However, there is a lot for me to deal with, and I will no longer take the blame or smile and say, "okay, thank you." I used to think that I would get further with honey, but that is no longer working for me. So, watch out. I'm a-coming, and I'm prepared for a fight.
 

Quincy is 15 months old

Okay, so she was actually 15 months old almost a week ago, but we went to the doctor today for her well check, and I just can't help but write about how amazing my girl is. I am a parent, and as such, I have the extreme duty and right to brag about my little girl. Considering the crazy circumstances that surrounded her birth, she is just--dare I say it?--perfect!
While she is not quite walking yet (seriously, I am not in a hurry for that), she is standing and talking and yelling and testing her independence like any 15 month old should. I am quite proud of her 10 words (8 spoken and 2 signed), and love, love, love hearing her tell people "dye-dye" (which is, of course, bye-bye) and barking like a dog whenever she sees or hears a dog. She will say DOG, but it comes out like DOT...so cute.
At 30 and 1/2 inches tall and 20 lbs. 11 oz., she just seems so long and lean to me these days. Of course, she is into everything! She will let me know when she is mad--usually at me! And she turns into a beast when she is tired. So, she is perfect. I feel so blessed to be her mom.

Attended by Angels

Angels come in all shapes and sizes. There are those we can see and others that we cannot. I have always had faith that angels are all around us and that we have the ability to be an angel in someone else's life. There is no doubt that my little family is being attended by angels every day. We are being protected. We are being blessed in ways that I honestly do not feel worthy to receive. These angels have come in the form of friends who are kind enough to listen to me cry and complain, family who do the same and support us in ways I still cannot wrap my head around. We are being blessed as we are experiencing trial after trial and heartache after heartbreak. I feel as if I cannot say THANK YOU enough. I am comforted by the knowledge that I have that we are going to be okay. This can't last forever, and I have to believe that we will rise out of the ashes like a phoenix. At least, I am determined...

My Saving Grace

As I try to find things to be grateful for everyday, I find that I am so thankful for this little girl in my life. I am thankful for her smiles. I am mesmerized by her laugh. I love watching her turn into a funny, funny little person. She is hilarious, and she knows it! 

When we go out anywhere, she attracts attention from everyone. She loves people. She has an infectious smile and a captivating laugh. People are drawn to her, and she loves them. 

I mean, who wouldn't love this face?! She saves me each and every day. 

It's okay to admit it...I'm sad.

A Texas friend posted this video today on Facebook, and I shared it there as well, but I felt as if I needed to put it here to remind me. It is okay that I am sad sometimes. Today was a highly productive day. I got a lot done. I talked to many people I needed to. I received relevant and important information. Then I sat on my couch and bawled. Through the tears though, I have to say that I do know that I am being watched over. My friends and family are incredible. My daughter (while trying today) is always a blessing. And, I know that my Father in Heaven is mindful of our circumstances. He know how I am (we are) feeling, how I am (we are) dealing, and what I (we) need to make it through. Of this I am sure.

Missing My Lobster...

Well, it isn't a secret that Nick isn't here. Q and I made a trip to see him in Texas last week. It was bittersweet. (For all you TX friends reading this, sorry we didn't get to visit everyone. We didn't really have time, so I didn't make it known that we were there.) We probably will not be able to make it back again. Just in case anyone wondered...I am miserable and I do hate this. Just in case anyone wondered...we are doing okay and my daughter is a trooper.
I did also celebrate a birthday while away. Thirty-two...funny, I don't feel thirty-two. These days I feel significantly older, but usually I still feel as if I am a twenty-something. Then I have those days when I want to be five again...oh, age! When I am feeling this way, I always think of the short story, "Eleven", by Sandra Cisneros. (Read it, it is short!) I loved teaching this one, but more than that, I love how much I can relate.
Well, since this post has been a little random already, have I ever mentioned what a wonderful little girl I have! She really is the light of my life! She makes me laugh daily! Here she is doing her yoga!

What a cutie! I am a blessed momma! 

Finally, I would be so ungrateful if I didn't say thank you to those wonderful friends who have helped us out so much! I won't mention names here, but you certainly know who you are. I can't properly express how much I appreciate the time and energy you have invested in helping my little family. Life would certainly be SO much harder without you. Love you! 

If my life were a Jane Austen novel...

Oh, how glorious that would be! I would be just the right amount of vulnerable, intelligent, hard-headed, witty, beautiful, desired, and admired. My path would be chosen for me. I would, of course, be a gentleman's daughter and therefore, someone stunning would come along and want to sweep me off my feet. We would banter and argue and probably despise one another at first, but then fall hopelessly in love.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
My biggest worry would be which beau to choose and how to wear my hair and my best friends unfortunate match in a mate. We would giggle and discuss the wretched gossip from town, and my mother would probably be crazy.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
I wouldn't have days like today where I was so exhausted I could hardly lift my daughter. I wouldn't break down in Walmart parking lots because a gust of wind just happened to set me off. I wouldn't have a TO DO list a mile and a half long and feel so unbelievably overwhelmed that I just want to sit on my couch and do nothing. I wouldn't worry that I have completely alienated my best friend because I have really crappy timing sometimes.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
I wouldn't be married to the love of my life. I wouldn't have the greatest daughter God could have blessed me with. I wouldn't be able to face challenges and grow and become a stronger person. I wouldn't learn from each mistake I make. I wouldn't have the best family and the most amazing friends on the planet.
If my life were a Jane Austen novel...
Why that would be no life at all! So, thank you, Jane, for the chance to escape for a while. However, I will keep my life--as wretched and wonderful as it all is!