Two Days Later

He says that I am not going to lose him, and there is a large part of me that honestly believes that. Then there is that small part of me that is completely terrified that when he is feeling fine again, he will think that he doesn't need me.
Holly (and a few others) have asked me what it is that he has given up for me when I have obviously sacrificed so much for him. I wonder the same thing sometimes. I guess it is unfair to say that...he never really asked me to give up a lot. I just naturally did. That is partially my own fault. I am where I am because I have made the choice to be here. I am well aware of that fact.
How many times did someone say to me, "Go to Texas anyway?" PLENTY. How many times did I chicken out because I can't do it without him? TOO MANY. At this point, I know that there is nothing that I cannot do on my own. I know, I know...I was supposed to be such an independant girl. I would say that I am, but I bet that there are those who would laugh at me right now. The thing is, I can live my life and make decisions without him and his input. We were just in a place where we had started talking to each other about EVERYTHING! We were figuring things out together and making decisions together. Big decisions. He was my sounding board--he still is my sounding board. That is how it should be, and I just hope and pray that it stays that way.

Tell me...

Just tell me that you are crazy to even think for a minute that you could live without me. Tell me that you just got scared and that you love me. Tell me that I am as important to you as you are to me. Tell me that you never really want to leave me. Tell me that even though it is going to be hard and we may struggle that this--that WE--are what you want out of your life. I am offering you my everything; I have already given it to you.
I know what it is that I want out of life. I feel as if I have made a lifetime commitment to you already. I hate to bring this up, but why do you freak like this just inside of ten days of your major court dates? I knew what your life was when I made this choice to be with you. I do not judge…it is not my job. It makes me sad to think that you don’t seem to love yourself enough to want things that are good for you. It makes me wonder if I am really good for you or not. You keep saying that I am, but everything else you do screams that you do not really believe that.
I never want to be second best or someone that you settle for. I know that I am not settling for you. You are perfect for me with all your imperfections and issues included. If settling is what you would be doing, then don’t marry me. Don’t have babies with me. Don’t live in a house with me. If, however, you are not settling by making that commitment to me, then stop this. Thank the good Lord that he sent you someone so wonderful. Let go of all the things holding you back and look to the future.
You are my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you. I love you.

Tomorrow!

I do love the anticipation that builds when Nick is coming to visit. Tomorrow is Halloween, my sister-in-law's birthday, and the day Nick gets here! I am anxiously awaiting his arrival! This is going to be a blissful weekend.

We talk so much about how great it will be when we actually live in the same place and will be able to see each other all the time. I can only hope that when we are in the same place, we will be as happy as we anticipate being. I do not wear rose colored glasses all the time. I know that bliss is something each person has to work for. I am scared sometimes that things may not be as perfect as they are in my head, but I also know that they can be so much better! I am crazy about him, he is crazy about me, and we are both just a little crazy!

For now though, I suppose I should just wait for tomorrow and enjoy the now! I am working on enjoying the now, since it is the only guarantee I have.

The Family...

I am experiencing the interesting things that happen when there is a blending and combining of families. You know, Nick's family has always loved me. In fact, his mom loved me before she even met me. I am pretty sure that the reason for that is that Nick's other girlfriends were just not fantastic like I am, but then again...who is?! :)

I bring this up because, for the first time ever yesterday, I was included in a family email from Nick's dad. Don't get me wrong, I have emailed back and forth with both of his parents for a while now, but it was fun to see my name next to Nick's and his grandparents and and I think, his uncle's--as if that is an unofficial signal that I am in! Yeah!

On the other side, his mom and step-dad are coming down from Casper this weekend to spend the day with us. Nick will be here (his birthday is Sunday), so Mom decided that she wanted to come and see us. She sends me emails sharing her excitement at coming to see us, and she likes to emphasize that she is excited to see BOTH of us. I like it. It is nice to have the love and support of his family...even if Nick does say that they love me more.

The other nice thing is that Nick and my family get along so well. I mean, how could you not get along with my family? Still...I like to see them together. Like in this picture. This was after the Munchkin's play in September. There is Kelli, Adam, Nick, Stef, Kara, Chris, and Daniel who are not related, but are family none-the-less. We had a great time with them all!

Then there is this picture from that same weekend. It is such a cute picture of Nick and Kelli. We took it at Holly and Eric's family reception in Grand Junction.

So, for now, I am in family bliss. Mine is wonderful as always, and his gets better and better as I get to know them more and more. Thank goodness for that!

Work Stuff

I have been silly to think that I am actually doing something good here. All that really seems to be happening is that I am putting too much effort into things that aren't really going to happen, and that is a bad thing. I am making--not really enemies--but I am not a loved person. I will just have to do my very best to not stir the pot anymore. Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just put in my year and move on, but that just isn't me. Although, maybe it should be.

Romance

There really isn't enough of it in this world. I am one of those hopeless romantic types. I am also one who doesn't get it in her life very often. That is, until recently. It is amazing to me how my idea of romance has changed. I once accused Nick of not being romantic, but in reality, he is romantic in such a subtle and sweet way. It is the things he says and the ways in which he says them. It is how he hugs me with his T-Rex arms. It is the fierce kisses on my forehead and the quick squeezes in public. He's just cute, and I like him!

High School Drama

It never quite goes away, does it? I am sure that people have looked at me from time to time and thought, "I wonder if she knows that she is acting like a high school student?" Well, I hang out with them all day, so that is kind of a given. (Not really.) However, I am talking about the kind of high school drama that is so he-said, she-said. The kind of drama that involves cheap shots, nasty rumors, and hurtful words thrown at each other on blogs or emails or myspace or facebook. Since we have embraced those things in our society, have we condemned ourselves to be enternally stuck in high school? This is a thought I have been having since someone is apparently spying on me from another person's facebook account--actually not spying on me, but on my boyfriend. I have one thing to say to all the ex's of the world out there. There is a reason you are an ex! Move on and be happy that they have done the same.