Return Home

Spring in Colorado is usually my favorite. I love the rain. The green. The flowers. The sticky seedlings. Gardens. Even the inevitable Spring snow--heavy and wet. This Spring has brought with it some really terrible days, however. And not just terrible for me. Terrible for us all.

You may have heard that the entire Denver Metro area schools shut down. So many students stayed home one day due to a threat--a woman, believed to be obsessed with the Columbine massacre that happened twenty years ago, came to Denver, bought a gun and disappeared into the foothills. Unsure where to find her, every district, including the one my children attend, shut down until the threat could be eradicated. Since then, school after school after school after school has experienced a threat of one kind or another until the worst happened, and one student died while lunging for the gunmen, allowing his fellow students to get to safety. Eight were injured. Too many babies were terrified.

And the world needs answers. Answers as to why this continues to happen. Answers as to how we fix it. Answers as to how we keep sending our kids out into the world when the world is so frightening. I am a member of a Mom's group on Facebook, and I am very proud of this group. The women lift one another up. They support and offer advice when asked. They offer a safe space for perfect strangers to vent, share, ask for help, and cry. In the last few days, I have watched these brave, strong mamma's crumble. They question how they can send their kids to school. They wonder who has the answers. They argue about gun control, mental health, and parenting. Things are falling apart with no sign of stopping. The world is a hard place. There are things we cannot control, and my heart is heavy. Heavy as I contemplate how to help and what can be done. And I return to the same place every time: home.

"Parents, whatever you are doing, return home." (Cook, Gene L. "Home and Family: A Divine Eternal Pattern" Ensign May 1984)

It is so important for our kids to have a safe and stable home. It is our job, as a mother and/or father, to create a safe place for our kids. A place where they feel accepted. A place they can return to no matter what. A place their friends are welcome. A place their friend's parents are welcome. It is important to know your kid's friends. And their parents. It is important to know where your kids go. It is essential to have dinner together whenever possible. It is important to have family time. Game nights. Movie nights. Hard and awkward conversations need to take place over and over and over again. Our kids need to know they are loved and accepted. Boys and girls alike need to be taught and shown how to express their feelings and know that their feelings are valid and important. More than knowing that bullying is wrong, our kids need strong examples of what it means to be a friend.

Tragedies strike and people rush to hug their babies a little tighter for a few days, but please don't stop. Be an example. Be nosy. Be a strong, positive influence. I promise your kids will hate you, but someday they will thank you. 

Seasons

The kids are obsessed with the timing of the seasons. They want to know exactly when one season slides into the next, and I think it is fascinating that they notice those things in their lives. I do not recall being aware of the beginning of seasons growing up. I mean, we live in Colorado, and I was lucky enough to grow up here, so I experienced then and experience now all four seasons (however short Spring may appear). My children experience all four seasons, and I cannot imagine living in a place where four seasons do not present themselves for our enjoyment.

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So, here we are, three days into Spring, and I can already feel a shift. Will we see more snow? Yep. It is coming this week even, but for the last three days, I have watched my kids spend more and more time outdoors. They are itching to play in the grass and run and ride bikes. They twirl in the sun and fall to the ground winded and happy. We talk about summer plans: camping and swimming and Friday nights at the Bay. We plan for summer activities and can't wait to spend the mornings running through the sprinkler. Spring is fresh. Lovely. Hopeful. Beautiful.

I am itching to plant something. Even though I kill plants on a regular basis. I want to purge the house. Paint rooms. Redecorate. Hang new pictures. Create. Paint. Make things beautiful.

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The neighbors are outside. Voices float through open windows. Dogs are out again. Popcorn (our neighbor's cat) scavenges once again.

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We are planning hikes and day trips and days to go have lunch with Daddy. The light is longer. The kids are pushing that bedtime clock already. Showers are dirtier. The kids fall into bed satisfyingly exhausted after a good day.

I love this time of year.   

Writing

I miss writing on a regular basis. I really do. The pull to write hugs me, and sometimes suffocates me until I MUST. DO. SOMETHING. ABOUT. IT.

Like now.

I have felt the need to write for well over a year now. My goals last year included being able to write daily--even if only for a few minutes--but let me tell you where that got me. Not writing.

I can make excuses all day. Little kids. Volunteering at the kid's school. Working a part-time job for a while. I allowed all these things to keep me from writing. So, once again, this year I made a goal to write. Not daily. Just more than I did last year. So, in two more blog posts, I will have accomplished that! Ha!

Honestly, I have big goals when it comes to writing. I would love to make a career out of it. I think I am fairly talented, but like anything, if I am out of practice...the writing will stink.

I thought I would pick up my YA novel I have been plugging away at for the last few years and FINISH!

Alas, not yet. I need the practice. So, here I am. Practicing. On the good ole family blog.

I figure this is a safe space. A really safe space for my to get my chops back. Share some things. Make some things up. Have an opinion. Heaven knows I never express that. (Insert eye roll and listen for my mother's snort.)

So, for now: welcome to my writing space.

Forever,

Jen

When you are--a-hem--(long pause) (uncomfortable silence)...(whispers) fat.

I am going to guess that you have seen this article floating around the Internets by now. (I myself have had many people share it on their Facebook page.) But, in case you have not, here it is: Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong.

This title either intrigues you, or does not, likely depending on whether you yourself are obese, love someone who categorizes as obese, or health and nutrition are your passion or your job.

I fall into the category of All Of The Above.

I am a student of my own body and my own struggle, and for some reason, likely all selfish in nature, I feel the desire to share some of my story and my struggle.

Let me warn those people who are reading this and who love me: some of the things I share here may anger you. And let me state that I know I am not alone in what I am about to share. Okay, disclaimers over...

Articles like these will HOPEFULLY help the medical world better understand the science of losing weight. Or not losing weight. Or just understand that sometimes, being obese does not equate to being sick all the time. I have had the most interesting conversations happen AROUND me while visiting the doctor. And other things said to me that were so insulting, I was stunned to silence. And here we go:

1. How much did you weigh as a senior in high school? (180) Oh, you were a big girl!
2. Doctor to student observing my appointment: Would you rather have an obese pregnant patient who is relatively healthy or a patient who is pregnant but suffers from -------? Student: An obese healthy patient. Doctor: Right, and we are lucky to be working with one of those today.
3. Nurse to me after birth of my son: You know you probably won't see your milk come in any time soon because of the obesity thing, right? (For the record, it came in within 36 hours).

Articles like these will never help with Fat Shaming--because those who fat shame don't care why you are fat, just that you are and they don't think you should be. So, those who say,

1. When did they start letting fat girls in here?
2. It is such a good thing you are funny and fun.
3. Every guy should date a fat girl, they do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to please you. They are just so grateful!

JUST STOP SAYING THOSE THINGS! THEY ARE HORRIBLE.

Articles like these sometimes allow me to better understand my body, so I have the ability to push away things that have been said that I don't think were meant to hurt, but did.

1. Don't cut your hair short. It will make you look bigger.
2. I am surprised that Nick likes you so much because I thought he liked smaller girls.
3. Your body could look so good, Jen.

Look, I loved this article. I read every word that reaffirmed to me that what I have long suspected to be true is, in fact, true. I don't love how I look. I have stopped looking in full length mirrors for longer than a few seconds to make sure my clothes are on correctly. I have been smaller than I am now, but at my smallest in the last 15 years, I was spending crazy amounts of money and working out with a personal trainer two or three times a week. I worked, went to the gym, and ate next to nothing. And people LOVED me at that weight. My confidence was sky high, but I ran out of money and took a month off from training with my trainer, and GAINED TEN POUNDS. Still eating next to nothing. Still working out daily. One month. Ten pounds.

So, do I need to learn more about my body and how it works? I do! I know I could benefit from meeting with a real and actual dietitian/nutritionist. Guys, we probably all can. Mostly, I just think this world needs a little more love and a lot more understanding. And read the article. It is long, but it is fascinating. 

The Reading

Okay.I love to read, and I am so excited to have been introduced to the wonderful Bookstagram community on Instagram this past year. It is no secret that I am involved with a few book clubs: one with my mom and sisters that is embarking on our fourth year of reading and monthly chats via Google Hangout about our selection for the month. You guys. This family book club is one of my favorite things ever, and I highly recommend that you start one with your family. Then, I am also involved with a book club with my girlfriends from church which is as much a social club as it is a book club, and SOMETIMES we even discuss the book for the month.

I mention these because I hope to come on here and review the books I get to read each month with these ladies! Hopefully, I will get me act together and read my goal for the year (which is what should be an easy 30 books, BUT...you know, life).

The books I had the privilege of reading this month were, The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce and Wonder by R.J. Palacio. I loved them both, but for different reasons, so let me dive in a little here.

Pic from Goodreads

The Music Shop was the pick for the Mahan Girl's Book Club this month, and while I struggled to get into the book initially, once I got further into the story, I rather enjoyed it. The secondary characters are my favorite part! They are a motley crew of misfits who find one another and care for one another as their world both literally and figuratively falls apart around them. The music shop where Frank operates and Ilse appears, is the home for their wants, desires, aches, pains, and especially their love. Frank, who had a mother who couldn't love him any way except through music, has a talent for finding just the right song for his customers. His obsession with vinyl is making his shop and his philosophies less and less relevant as everyone is converting to CD's. He makes many efforts to save his store and his people only to have it all fall apart on the same day he runs from the mysterious Ilse--who first fainted in front of the shop and flits in and out before asking Frank to teach her all he knows about music. The ending of this book is wonderful, and I would very much recommend that you read it.

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Wonder by R.J. Palacio is the story of August Pullman who is about to go to middle school--well, any school for the first time. Auggie has a facial deformity that has a very technical medical name and very technical descriptions of why he was born this way, but I will let you read it. He is a great kid who has much to overcome and manages to make some really great friends along the way. I read this on my own in a day. It moves super fast, and I could not put it down. This is a book that I look forward to reading with my kids as they get older. This one is my first FIVE STAR read of the year, and I highly recommend reading it!

If you are so inclined, follow momma_reads_alot on Instagram for all things literary related in my life! 

Year in Review 2017

Merry Christmas to all our friends. We are sending Christmas cards, but I wanted to leave our year in review for those of you who are interested in the happenings of the Colorado Sadler clan.

Nick is finishing up his first full calendar year at High Country Executive Search, and I have never seen him happier in his job. He loves his work as an Executive Recruiter, and we have honestly been so blessed by his job, his company, and the people with whom he works. They took a major chance on Nick when they hired him, and he is thriving in this new career! At church, he continues to teach once a month and to be a leader at a support group through church on Thursday nights. He is amazing in his devotion. And at home, Nick is the best dad to our (now) four cuties. Our children love their dad, and Beau walks around everyday saying,"Momma, Daddy at work? Be right back." and "Daddy? My Daddy?" They are the best buddies.

Jen (so me) is now the frantic mother of four, and every day is a grand new adventure. The first half of the year was filled with me getting more and more pregnant, lots of tests as there was some concern over the placement of baby girl's placenta, and then Cami's terrifying and dramatic entrance into this world. Then life in the NICU for (thankfully) just a few weeks, and then a summer filled with trying to balance the big kids and a newborn on oxygen. For now, it feels as if things have settled, and I am doing my best to be a more involved mom this school year. PTO, SAC committee, field trips, and having more of a presence in the big girl's school life has been my focus for the last part of the year. Usually with the little people in tow. We are so blessed to have an amazing school community, and I am doing my best to support that community in any way that I can.

Quincy ended her kindergarten year with a flourish. It felt as if she was really just getting started when the school year ended. She worked hard over the summer to become a little more independent since Mom was preoccupied with new baby a good portion of the time. She also has now lost six teeth, and we are still waiting on four grown up teeth to make their appearance. And then first grade hit, and this girl has had the most amazing school year! She is reading like a champ! She loves math! She comes home at least once a week with a new FIRE sticker (school reward system), and leaves school daily with a huge smile! My momma heart soars!

Tessa spent the last half of her last preschool year dreaming about kindergarten. She loved preschool, but was tired of being home half the day and all day Mondays while big sister was off having grand adventures. Tessa did, however, become Beau's best friend during this time. She is our little mother, and she loves looking after all the people smaller than her. She has the same teacher for kindergarten that Quincy did, and felt comfortable right away in her new environment. She loves to learn, but her friends are the most important part of her school day. She is looking forward to losing a tooth even though none are lose yet.  

Beau has grown so much this year. He's talking like a mad man--adding new words to his vocabulary daily. He loves his sisters, and generally refers to all his people as "My _______." He is fiercely protective of Cami and his mom, but ADORES his Tessa and loves to torment his Quincy. Daddy is his favorite person and he loudly announces Dad's arrival home every day. He finally will stay in nursery at church by himself, and he loves playing with the balls at gymnastics on Mondays. He already takes his role as ONLY BOY very seriously, and I imagine that will only increase as he ages. 

Cami, as you know, is our latest addition. Joining us a bit earlier than expected on May 24th, we have reveled in the miracle that is this little girl. Finally off her oxygen after almost six months with that accessory, she is loving her life tube free! We spend lots of time doing the best we can to make her smile. She loves to babble. She loves to eat, and she is the best snuggler. We are venturing into the world of solid foods, and working with a physical therapist to help her catch up a little with her gross motor skills. She is making great progress and should be sitting unassisted in no time! We love this final addition to our family so very much, and I still stare at her in amazement sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that she is here and healthy. 

We hope that 2017 was an amazing year for you and your families! We look forward to the possibilities that 2018 holds for us all. Merry Christmas! 

XOXO, 

The Sadlers

Grandpa

My mom makes a calendar for us every year. She puts together photos comprised of events that took place during that month the year prior. I love this, as it allows me to relish highlights and see what my sibs were up to this time last year as well. This month, Mom included a quote "When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."

This day has become a family treasure.

Last year on this day we celebrated the 78th birthday of my Grandpa Gray, and honestly, we all knew it would be the last one we would have with him. Around this time last year, I was compelled to take my family over the mountain one last time to get some extra time in with Grandpa--but we can actually take this story back to six or so months before then.

Grandpa is not the first grandparent I have lost, and sometimes, one of those grandparents will visit my dreams. I had a very real dream where my Gram shared a message with me in a conversation we had--you need to get ready. It felt like a gentle warning and a tender mercy as I still feel lots of guilt over not going to see her when I felt I should before we lost her unexpectedly. Admittedly, when I woke up, I had no idea to what she was referring. Until suddenly I did.

Standing in my kitchen a few days after the dream, I looked out the window and knew. Grandpa. Maybe I started to pay more attention. Or maybe the older adults had just kept how quickly Grandpa was declining a secret until they could not anymore. But all I know is that his health, already not great, seemed to decline rapidly.

So, around this time last year, I NEEDED to be in Grand Junction. So, we went. And we spent some hours at the house. And my kids were so good. And Grandpa laughed and smiled as much as he could manage. I don't know if it was good or purely selfish on my part that we went. I didn't take a single picture of that visit. All I wanted to do was sit close. I wanted to listen to his stories and watch him laugh at his great grandchildren. I needed to hug him and tell him I loved him one last time--face to face.

And I am so glad that I did.

The Start of School

As you can imagine, we had a pretty chaotic yet quiet summer this year. Visitor after visitor came and spent time entertaining my big ones while I tended to new baby. But we didn't really get to do much or go lots of places. My kids are the best though, and Quincy, Tessa and Beau spent hours playing together and entertaining me while doing so.

So, now we are at the beginning of the school year. Cami is almost three months old--still on her oxygen--and doing really well. Beau is about to lose his best friend, Tessa, to all day kindergarten, and this mom is afraid that this means that my life is about to become a little crazier keeping up with my energetic two-year-old. We'll survive it just fine, but Beau has already tried to follow sister into school. He even hugged me good-bye on Tessa's first half-day. Sorry, kid. Not your turn yet.

This girl has had a great start to first grade already! We got the teacher we hoped for, and she already knows her because Mrs. Moroze was Q's preschool teacher before moving to first grade last year. So, she knows what to expect. And Mrs. Moroze knows my quirky Quincy. She got a FIRE sticker the first day of school (which is a school-wide reward system) and it seems that every day is better than the last. I think it is wonderful that Quincy is so excited to be a big first grader. She told me that she already feels like a scientist as they are learning about science. She won't get more specific that just science, and when her dad asked what she was learning about in science, her response was, "Uh, science," (Duh, Dad!)

This crazy independent girl is beyond excited to be in school all day just like her big sister. Tessa has been ready for this for so long, and I am thrilled that she loves school so much already. Her teacher is the same teacher Quincy had last year, so Tessa already feels very comfortable with her. Tessa has two half-days to learn how Kindergarten works and then she starts full days. She has friends from preschool in her class, and she is excited to make new friends. On the first day she asked me twice if I could go ahead and leave so she could get down to business. Yep. That's my girl.

We are so proud of these girls. We had a long talk together about being kind and courageous this year. We talked about making friends and how to include everyone. Then, I watched my Q take the hand of her hesitant friend on the first day and march confidently into school. I have watched both my girls run and hug their friends and then turn to introduce themselves to new friends. I am so proud of the little people that they are. Cheers to a glorious new school year!

So This Thing Happened...

Okay, anyone who is friends with me knows that OBVIOUSLY we had a baby girl--earlier than expected. But, I thought I would go ahead and share the details of our girl's arrival. She made quite the dramatic entrance into the world.

Sunday, May 21, 2017, I sent my sisters a somewhat frantic text message that evening because I had started spotting, and it was a bit unusual looking (I won't share details). They proceeded to talk me down as it could have just been nothing because (here is something no one tells you) sometimes you just bleed FOR NO REASON when you are growing a human. And it is stressful and keeping calm about it is not easy. However, the sisters talked me off my ledge and I shared the fun information with Nick (ah, marriage!). The next day there was a little more of the same, so I checked in with the nurse at my doc's office. We came to the conclusion that there was nothing to really worry about at this point, so I continued to simply monitor.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017. things looked a bit different, and I was feeling very uncomfortable with the change in the look of the very red blood. So, in to the doctor we went. AND ALL THE BABIES WERE BEING BORN. Seriously. All the rooms were full. All the extra rooms were full. I spent the night in the triage room where the bleeding got progressively worse. After an ultrasound where NO evidence of any tearing or placental issues were found, two more steroid shots (just in case), and dinner at 11pm, I woke to the great "when should we have a baby" debate. After a morning of monitoring me and baby, the decision was made to have a baby at 5pm. Then that decision was changed,  and the doc on duty debated waiting until the following morning to ship us off to the OR for my c-section. After much debate and a long talk with me, she decided to go ahead and perform the surgery on Wednesday evening at 8pm.

So, on Wednesday, May 24, 2017 at 8 pm, as I was still signing consent forms, I was rolled back to the operating room. And as I left Nick outside to wait, my whole being was overcome with an intense sense of absolute terror. It took all the willpower I had NOT to jump down and try to run away. However, I slid onto the operating table, squeezed a pillow and my nurse through the spinal, lay down, threw up, and waited for Nick to come sit by my head. He will tell you a very different story, I am sure, but after what felt like a very long time, a SILENT, FLOPPY, GHOST-WHITE baby was rushed to the corner of the OR. I watched in shock as the nurses frantically worked on my baby as I whispered over and over again, "PLEASE cry, please cry, please cry" until there was a quiet sound from her. They stabilized her and rolled her past me while saying, "Look at your baby. I need to get her out of here."

I was taken back to my room for all post-op procedures when I was visited later by the neonatologist who wanted to have her air lifted to another hospital for treatment. You see, I/we had experienced a pretty severe placental abruption. Basically, my placenta was separating from the uterine wall, and to make matters worse, it also just kind of fell apart (split in two) as they were pulling her out. She lost a crazy amount of blood and received FOUR transfusions that first night. FOUR! The concern then obviously becomes the amount of oxygen she didn't have, so she was sent to a specialist who turned her into a baby Popsicle. As in, her core temp was cooled for 72 hours to allow her brain and organs to heal while in a slower state. This is really a rather remarkable thing, and it is something that has only recently been done to babies as early as 34 weeks gestation. Which means we barely made it.

You guys. The miracle that is my youngest child was made possible through miraculous event piled upon miraculous event. I try not to say it often, but we ALMOST lost her. And I just can't...

We spent 17 days in the NICU: three as a popsicle, eight long days until I could hold her for the first time, and nine days learning how to eat. She came home on (and is currently still on) a little bit of oxygen. She eats well. She sleeps well. She is getting all the love from all her people, and we are so blessed, so happy, so grateful for it all.

I was reminded that angels attend to and watch over our sweet babies--in the form of nurses, doctors, and actual angels. I promise you that the NICU is watched over closely and attended to regularly.

So, as we love hard to and put this ordeal behind us, I am happy to introduce Camille Jay--our pretty little caboose.

Be Brave

Courage is found in unlikely places. ~J.R.R. Tolkien

It has taken me some time to decide what, exactly, I wanted to focus on in this 2017 year. However, in a conversation I had with a friend of mine--one of those crazy soul mate kind of friends with whom I have never actually met face to face--it occurred to me that it is time for me to stop living the life I have been and focus on really living my life. I am sure I have said it to people a thousand times, but I will type it again here: I have been in survival mode/barely getting by for far too long. The biggest crisis of my life thus far happened when I was just a tender 32, and I JUST TURNED 37, for goodness sake! It is high time that I dug myself out of the hole I have been hunkered down in and figure out this life thing! I am ready to have FUN again. I don't want to be a casual observer anymore. I don't want to watch other people have the time of their lives while I hide in my house under the guise of needing to always take care of my children. Do you know how happy they are (well, minus Beau, but he is clingy boy these days) when the momma leaves them to play with someone else? THEY LOVE IT! 

I'm rambling...honestly though, how does a person actually DO this? How do I become braver in my life? How do I convince myself in the moment to take risks? Will I remember to say yes when my first instinct is to say no? When doubts and fears start to take over--which they obviously easily do--will I be able to push them away? 

My half-life (yes, I know that sounds rather Voldemort-ish) needs to come to an end. I'm a pretty fascinating person with a really fascinating story to share. I deserve all the good things, but good things don't just happen when you are sitting around waiting for them. I need to be an active participant in life. In the world. In my community. Good grief, you guys. I am going to be a freaking mother of four this year! You cannot be a mother of four and be boring. You just can't! 

So, I will do my best to update the blog better this year about all the really fabulous, terrifying, exciting and fascinating adventures I am going to have this year. Yes, pregnant and all. This is happening!

It Has Been So Long...

And I wish I had more to say! We have been super busy in the business of growing/playing/learning around this joint! So, let me offer a brief update on each family member.

Nick: Happy. Home. New job--again, but this one is a keeper. He is so busy, and while I hear every single day that he doesn't have enough hours in the day--he loves what he is doing, and he is back in a place where they recognize his potential and love him. I am SO glad. Life is much better when he leaves daily to head to a job he enjoys that keeps him challenged.

Jen: LuLaRoe is busy. The kids are super busy. The house is chaos--but manageable. So, you could say that everything is peachy-keen, jelly-bean. I am headed to a fun pop-up this evening, and I really need to load my car, so I am blogging instead. Don't worry. I still have time.

Quincy: Kindergarten life is the best life. She LOVES school. Her teacher. Her classroom. Her friends. She is learning so much, and I love to hear all about school every day. And, I get an earful every single day. She is growing leaps and bounds, and I have to say that as much as I love this stage, the sassy glimpse I get into her teenage years is a bit frightening. Sigh. She's mine.

Tessa: Tessa really just wonders why she can only go to preschool for 1/2 a day four times a week. She loves it, and now that Quincy is gone a full day five days a week, she sees no need to be wasting time at home. Seriously. She starts to ask me at 8:15 if it is time for preschool yet (11:45 is start time) and doesn't stop until we are grabbing her back pack. Her teacher is wonderful, and she is a friend and a preschool leader this year. She has great friends, and her favorite part of preschool is bringing something to share. Which she can do everyday.

Beau: Finally weaned at almost 16 months. Finally walked at 16 months. Still spends most nights in our bed. He loves to talk, and while his main form of communication is still pointing and grunting (he is a total caveman), he says, thank-you, bye-bye, momma, dad, and trash. He will sign please and all done. He makes a few animal sounds--but eventually every animal just sounds like a dog.

Summer Blog Challenge #8: A Skill or Talent I Wish I Instantly Had

Okay. Really. There are SO MANY talents I wish I instantly had. Like being able to automatically command a room or always being able to say the right thing or being approachable. I see these as being talents, but really the talent I wish I had more than anything in the world is the talent and gift of music...

Yes, I am fairly musical. I can carry a tune and minimally play the piano and the clarinet. I understand that this is more than many have been blessed with, and I am grateful. I love music. I love to sing. I love to dance with my children. I love to plink out a song on the piano. I love it.

However, I wish I could instantly sit down and play any song on the piano. I wish I could compose. I wish I could write killer lyrics. I wish I could play many instruments. I wish I could play the piano, the violin, the guitar, and more! I would love to be one of the blessed ones who can express themselves through music all the time. I know people like this. I'm related to people like this.

This is the talent I would love to instantly have, and I would love to be able to use that magical talent as a catalyst for good.

Summer Blog Challenge Post #7: Movie I Want to Live In

If you know what movie this is...well, you win!

Summer Blog Challenge Post #6: Favorite Smells

Hmmmm...

Homemade bread

Rain

Freshly bathed baby

Polo Black on my handsome hubby

Summer Blog Challenge Post #5: If I Could Change the World...

If I could change the world...

Candy would be a food group. The sun wouldn't burn. And power hungry people wouldn't exist.

If I could change the world...

People would listen to one another with an open mind and heart. Violence wouldn't beget violence. People would try to help one another.

If I could change the world...

My worry for my children would only be that they outgrow their fear of monsters under the bed, and I would not have to worry about them meeting monsters in the street.

If I could change the world...

Women would know how powerful and beautiful they are! Men would know how important and essential they are in their children's lives! People would understand that we NEED one another. Men and women working together to create a beautiful world.

If I could change the world...

Babies would always be safe and loved. Children would be able to run and explore without fences. Our teenagers would learn the value of work mixed with play.

If I could change the world...

We would once again be "One Nation Under God Indivisible with Liberty and Justice for All".

Summer Blog Challenge Post #4: My Dream Home

I dream about homes a lot. I look at everything that is surrounding us in hopes that we can someday soon actually purchase a home. We got a little sidetracked from the home dream, and, as I think I have mentioned before, dreaming about anything has been really hard for me. So, I look at the houses for sale in our current area on a regular basis, and I dream about the day we can become home owners. (It still feels really far away.)

However, my dream home is really less about what my house looks like and more about what it FEELS like. I want to have a home filled with well-worn books, warm colors, delicious smells, laughter, lots of songs. I want a home where everyone who enters feels welcome. A home where people feel like family--whether they are related or not. I want a home with a piano that someone is often playing. A home where the kitchen in always buzzing. A place to open the cupboards and find plenty. A place where we never want for love and affection and safety.

My dream home is a landing pad for friends and family. A place to hide away from troubles for a few hours and re-energize. I want a home that feels like a hug.

Look, I know I have a long way to go to create this kind of sanctuary. I know that this home is a constant work in progress. But, my home is filled with love. My home is filled with laughter and little kids playing, and imagination! My home is filled with a family I have worked hard to build. A family I fought for for a long time. Now, as I am fighting to regain my sense of self and to better appreciate my own self-worth, my home is a place for me to fall apart a little in order to rebuild. My home is my dream home with all my dream people present and accounted for.

Post #3: All the Places I've Lived--and My Favorite So Far

Hmmm...this really isn't going to be a super long or interesting post, I think. I've lived in so few places, SO let me tell you a little bit about them all.

Grand Junction, CO

I was born here. My parents met at Fruita Monument High School, and I spent the majority of my first four years of life in this area. My grandparents were and are here. My baby sister lives there now. We still visit family, and as I have grown older, I can appreciate the beauty and tranquility that this place offers. It would be an okay place to raise a family. My favorite things about Grand Junction are the people I love who live there.

Vernal, UT

We lived here for a short time when I was very little, and I don't remember it much. I think we lived in a trailer--that in my head was in the middle of nowhere. I could be wrong. But any memories I have of this time in my life are pretty fuzzy and broken up or mushed together with other early memories. The person who would later become my best friend was born while we lived here--yeah, a sister. And I remember Adam becoming more and more of a friend and playmate while we lived here. Since he was my other half growing up, this is probably where that started.

Broomfield, CO

I live here now, but let's talk about what it was like to grow up here. I don't think as a kid I realized how lucky we were to be here. Broomfield was a great place to grow up. The recreation programs. The schools. Our ward (church) and the friends I made as a result. We were truly blessed to be in this town so close to both mountains and city. My dad likes to pretend that this didn't really happen--but I'm never sure why because if you have to struggle through raising kids and running into financial difficulties, you will never be more supported and taken care of than by the people here.

Greeley, CO

Let's see...it smells. I experienced a rough break-up here. I failed a class for the first time. I made friends--only one I still talk to on a regular basis (and she came into my life AFTER I had already left). Poor Greeley. You were never my favorite.

Thornton, CO

This is obviously not a far stretch from home. I lived here in my own apartment for the first time. I was close to home, close to work, AND Thornton brought the friend back into my life who would introduce me to my husband. Good job, Thornton.

Fort Worth, TX

Heaven help me. Is it possible for a place to hold such dark and light memories for me? I never really felt like I was home in Texas. I met a lot of amazing people. I have wonderful friends in my life because of Texas, but not a single one of them ever got the best version of me. I was so LOST in that place. Homesick and sad. Happy but overly cautious. Look, friends. I am a super cool person. Flawed--as we all are--BUT while I was in TX, NO ONE got to see that girl. Including the poor soul who married me and moved there to be with him. And it isn't Fort Worth's fault. It is totally mine. I don't think I knew how to give TX a chance. I never felt adequate enough to jump into the life Nick already had established. Sadly, I felt horribly judged by that life. The life we began to build together was fine. We had a cute house and made fun friends at church, BUT...there is always a but. I am both grateful that Texas happened and glad I never have to live there again. (Heaven help me, I hope not, anyway.)

Broomfield, CO

We are back here. And, you guys, this is seriously my favorite place to live. I LOVE our little house in our little neighborhood. It is old and quirky and cramped and crowded and COMPLETELY FILLED WITH LOVE. I feel so at home and at peace in this place. I love the big trees. I love the parks. I love all the things to do. I love being outside in our yard in the DRY air. I love looking up and seeing the mountains. I love the snow. I love the sunshine. I love the drive to Denver and the fact that my children are already in love with our beautiful city. I love family walks and dreaming of the future here with Nick. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being here and raising my kids here and allowing my family to come visit their roots and watching Nick and Adam and Kara play softball and the Bay and the trails and the absolute beauty that is Broomfield Colorado. This is my happy place.

Okay, so I lied. It was long. You decide how interesting it is.

Post #2 Favorite Time Wasters

I'm not really going to be obvious here...cellphone, games, TV, etc are all obvious time wasters. However, my very favorite time wasters are my kids. Like really...I need to do laundry or clean the kitchen? How about we read 27 books and color instead. Need to send some emails and ship some inventory? Let's watch Frozen for the 100 millionth time! They are my favorite way to "waste" time, but it really isn't a waste, is it? Naw!

Summer Blog Challenge 2016: Someone I Admire

Where does your mind wander when asked who you admire? Straight to a celebrity who stands for what you believe? Your parents? A teacher? Oprah...because, well...Oprah!

No, I'm not going to write about Oprah. But I do love her. 

Today I am going to write about this girl:

The one on the right. Not me. I'm not writing a blog about how awesome I am. Although I should. Because I am. 

Anyway...this here girl--her name is Holly--is someone whom I admire greatly. She's kind of one of the most cool, most gorgeous, most smart, most faithful, most patient people I know. In fact, someday I hope I am just like her. Kind, Generous. Positive. Crazy smart. 

Yes, she is my younger sister. By a bit (you guys, I'm getting old here). But in many, many ways she is much older--read this as wiser--than me. Her understanding of things both spiritual and temporal far surpasses my own. 

If you are lucky enough to know her, you know just what I am trying to convey. But I am sure I have not done her justice here. 

A Conversation with Q (5) and T (3)

On the way home from meeting Daddy for lunch, Quincy, Tessa and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Look, girls! There is the place where the Broncos play. Do you see the Bronco on the side of the building?

Q: The Broncos play right there? Tessa, do you see it?

T: Yeah, Quincy! I see the sign.

Q: Wait a minute, Mom! Are we in Denver?

Mom: We are! We are driving on the highway through Denver right now.

Q: Tessa! We are in Denver!

T: I know, Quincy!

Q: But Momma, I am a little sad about something.

Mom: You are? What is that, baby girl?

Q: Peyton Manning, Mom. He doesn't play for the Broncos anymore.

Mom: You are right. He doesn't.

T: Yeah, Mom. Peyton Manning is tired, so he doesn't play anymore.

Mom: He probably is tired. You girls are right.

Q: But Momma! I never got to see him.

Mom: I think we will still see him, honey. He'll still do commercials and be on TV and stuff.

Q: No, Mom. I mean, I want to MEET him. Now I'll never get to meet him.

Mom: Oh, sweetie! Maybe not, but we can always send him a letter if you want.

Q: Okay, Mom.

I had to write this down. It was such an animated, fun conversation with my girls today. I SO love that these girls love this place (and our Broncos) as much as I do!

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